My coughing seems to have abated somewhat at last, just a few phlegmy attacks in the early mornings, though the dizziness/lightheadedness continues, though also not as bad as it was. I had a bad mood day yesterday, and consequently slept very badly last night. Today I have busied myself with breadmaking and general kitchen-related tasks, and the blackness has lightened throughout the day. Yesterday I felt very claustrophobic, probably because we have all been housebound for a few days now, and with the addition of a sister-in-law the house seems much smaller than it actually is. I dearly wanted to go out, but there was simply nowhere to run. I find myself sending off silly, irrelevant texts to friends who'll probably wonder at the state of my mental health if they take any notice at all - their lack of replies is noteworthy.
This is an aspect of Wales I don't like - the complete lack of a viable alternative.
I have also been sorting out the travel and accomodation arrangements for my forthcoming trip to Leeds, and it's looking like it will necessitate being away for three days - Thursday to get there, Friday to have the meeting (which is scheduled for 6 hours!) and Saturday to return. The first night will be spent ensconced in a hotel, but Friday I should be able to stay with the sister-in-law, and Saturday Morning I'm hoping to arrange a meeting with some friends from Moblog, as there are quite a few in the area, and it would be a shame to miss such an opportunity.
This prospect has cheered me up no end, as I had thought that I was to spend an hour or so in a meeting followed by a dash for the train and a further 8 hour journey home all in the same day, with no chance for enjoyment or relaxation. I might check out whether travelling back on Sunday is a viable option, though I seriously doubt it.
Saturday, 29 December 2007
Wednesday, 26 December 2007
ONLY WHEN I COUGH
I go dizzy when I cough. I'm not coughing "much" throughout the day, but when I do it's quite a violent cough. It's also caused a lot of pain in my diaphragm area - I think a visit to the doctor is required.
BOXING DAY BLUES
For 3 days now my daytime nappings have been violently disturbed by my bass-playing neighbour Paul. This has been an ongoing problem since we moved in here almost 5 years ago. It started with his stereo bursting into life at 7:30 every morning, and then he'd crank up the volume while he went and had a shower. It took a lot of complaining, but we finally got that to stop, then his dad went and bought him a bass guitar and a 25 watt amp, and we had to endure the excruciating sounds of him trying to tune the fucking thing at quite high volumes, and then trying to play it. I made uncountable complaints to the council and the police, and the latter were far more helpful and effective, even though the responsibility resides with the former to get it sorted. The council installed noise monitoring equipment, which for some reason didn't work. The police actually arrested him on one occasion when he'd been particularly abusive, and the final sanction was to thresten to confiscate his equipment.
Finally, his dad built him a soundproof room, with which I was most impressed. He also told us that Paul would come and check with us if it was OK for him to play loudly. To date he has never once done this.
I hope this is not a sign that hostilities are about to recommence. The police have attended today, and I have sent an email to the council bloke in charge of noise nuisance.
Despite this, Christmas has passed fairly uneventfully. I am pleased with my efforts to get in touch with the people I should be in touch with. I managed to get all the christmas cards sent out to the various rangers with details about the christmas dinner proposals, and I now understand why nobody seems to want the job of Liaison Ranger.
I still have a few letters to write, and I'm determined not to let these wait until I forget about them.
I have not been going to the gym, and I missed out on the curry night with the mediation class, and the meal at the old folks' home, which I was very annoyed about, but a New Year is approaching, with a new regime, so it's time to ring some changes.
Finally, his dad built him a soundproof room, with which I was most impressed. He also told us that Paul would come and check with us if it was OK for him to play loudly. To date he has never once done this.
I hope this is not a sign that hostilities are about to recommence. The police have attended today, and I have sent an email to the council bloke in charge of noise nuisance.
Despite this, Christmas has passed fairly uneventfully. I am pleased with my efforts to get in touch with the people I should be in touch with. I managed to get all the christmas cards sent out to the various rangers with details about the christmas dinner proposals, and I now understand why nobody seems to want the job of Liaison Ranger.
I still have a few letters to write, and I'm determined not to let these wait until I forget about them.
I have not been going to the gym, and I missed out on the curry night with the mediation class, and the meal at the old folks' home, which I was very annoyed about, but a New Year is approaching, with a new regime, so it's time to ring some changes.
Friday, 21 December 2007
DECEMBER NOSTALGIA
Looks like I'm going to Leeds on 11th January! Just when I'd decided to forget about the whole grievance issue, I get an email telling me the Union President is requesting an audience with me on 11th January, to look at what has been going on within our branch.
This is just the kind of news I need, and Sonia too from the sound of her email. Rob will no doubt end up annoyed that he's not going and will probably try to inveigle himself onto the trip.
Now to re-forget it all over again!
I'm getting that December nostalgia- when people you've meant to get in touch with creep into the consciousness. It's much easier to assuage when the person has an email address or a mobile phone, but when you have to actually write to them it's a different matter, until Christmas comes around, and then you can send a card with a brief note promising a novella-sized letter in the new year, and the problem is once more postponed indefinitely.
edit: I did text the news about the meeting in Leeds to Rob, and immediately got the reply I'd expected: "I wonder why they haven't invited me?". This went on for 3 or 4 more texts, and I was sorely tempted to use the "it's always about you isn't it?" line, but then he turned up on the doorstep with a christmas card, and we had a brief chat about it - I can understand his point about the fact that nobody has even acknowledged receipt of his email, but he seems to be losing sight of the fact that if I hadn't stuck my neck out and made the complaint in the first place, he'd still be muttering beneath his breath and doing sod-all about it, as would everybody else.
This is just the kind of news I need, and Sonia too from the sound of her email. Rob will no doubt end up annoyed that he's not going and will probably try to inveigle himself onto the trip.
Now to re-forget it all over again!
I'm getting that December nostalgia- when people you've meant to get in touch with creep into the consciousness. It's much easier to assuage when the person has an email address or a mobile phone, but when you have to actually write to them it's a different matter, until Christmas comes around, and then you can send a card with a brief note promising a novella-sized letter in the new year, and the problem is once more postponed indefinitely.
edit: I did text the news about the meeting in Leeds to Rob, and immediately got the reply I'd expected: "I wonder why they haven't invited me?". This went on for 3 or 4 more texts, and I was sorely tempted to use the "it's always about you isn't it?" line, but then he turned up on the doorstep with a christmas card, and we had a brief chat about it - I can understand his point about the fact that nobody has even acknowledged receipt of his email, but he seems to be losing sight of the fact that if I hadn't stuck my neck out and made the complaint in the first place, he'd still be muttering beneath his breath and doing sod-all about it, as would everybody else.
Thursday, 20 December 2007
STUMBLING THROUGH THE DAY
Woke up this morning with a bad cough and a pounding in my head, only the pounding wasn't in my head, it's builders outside replacing the guttering on our row of houses. My neck was aching pretty badly, and I generally felt run down and achey. Spent the morning writing out Christmas Cards for all the Sustrans Rangers, to send with letters about the forthcoming meeting. As it's the first I've co-organised, I want it to be a success. Roanna, the new Ranger Co-ordinator, is every bit as good as Gwyn at responding to emails, which always impresses me.
I have found that the simple act of writing things down is helping my memory problem. I'll remember things which are written on my to do list without having to look at it again. When I was performing poetry, I found that some poems would stick in my memory after a few readings, but some wouldn't - there would be a line somewhere upon which I would always stumble, and when that happens it tends to freeze me up - I can't think beyond that line, and it's not good to suddenly forget the rest of a poem, believe me the audience does notice! If I have the book with me and open at the right page, though, I can usually sail through the poem with no problem without having to actually read the page, it acts like a security blanket. Writing this reminds me that I have to organise a writers' workshop sometime soon. Now my self-confidence seems to be gradually improving, I feel more able to tackle things like this.
I have found that the simple act of writing things down is helping my memory problem. I'll remember things which are written on my to do list without having to look at it again. When I was performing poetry, I found that some poems would stick in my memory after a few readings, but some wouldn't - there would be a line somewhere upon which I would always stumble, and when that happens it tends to freeze me up - I can't think beyond that line, and it's not good to suddenly forget the rest of a poem, believe me the audience does notice! If I have the book with me and open at the right page, though, I can usually sail through the poem with no problem without having to actually read the page, it acts like a security blanket. Writing this reminds me that I have to organise a writers' workshop sometime soon. Now my self-confidence seems to be gradually improving, I feel more able to tackle things like this.
Wednesday, 19 December 2007
IT'S A HOLI-HOLI-DAAAY
All bad things are now put aside. I went out for a pint and a chat with my friend Jules last night to the Ferry Inn, which was really nice. Today I called in at work with my Secret Santa present and cards for the team and I'd baked them a cake, which was very well received. I did consider going to the gym this afternoon, but it's too cold. Yes, you heard me right, it's too cold. A pathetic excuse I know, as it will probably be colder tomorrow, but my joints are all achy and I generally don't feel "right". I will go tomorrow, I promise.
I'm currently helping to organise our Sustrans ride and meal - following a conversation with Roanna this morning I've drafted a letter to go out to Rangers asking for their preferences, which I shall post tomorrow with christmas cards. It feels good to be spreading some good news for a change. I don't have to contemplate work until 31st December, and I don't have to think about my complaints until after the new year, so I can now devote my time and energies to good things. Now I'm beginning to make my presence felt as Liaison Ranger it feels good. I was very nervous about doing it at first, as I thought they'd all resent this upstart newcomer, but that's just my own innate paranoia.
I'm currently helping to organise our Sustrans ride and meal - following a conversation with Roanna this morning I've drafted a letter to go out to Rangers asking for their preferences, which I shall post tomorrow with christmas cards. It feels good to be spreading some good news for a change. I don't have to contemplate work until 31st December, and I don't have to think about my complaints until after the new year, so I can now devote my time and energies to good things. Now I'm beginning to make my presence felt as Liaison Ranger it feels good. I was very nervous about doing it at first, as I thought they'd all resent this upstart newcomer, but that's just my own innate paranoia.
ARE YOU HANGING UP A STOCKING?
Today was, unexpectedly, the last day I will work until the 31st December. My supervisor announced halfway through my four long hours that there was leave available over the next few days and that she didn't think I'd turn it down... how intuitive! I did consider leaving work early, but I cottoned on to the fact that no-one in the office gave a flying fuck if any work got done, so I thought I may as well sit around and get paid for it, and I'm glad I did.
I managed to fire off a stunning piece of emailery to a variety of union reps designed to get a few danders up - I specifically asked, in light of my friend announcing last week that he was "taking a back seat" vis a vis union duties due to ill-health, who our Equality Officer is. Having been blocked from rejoining the BEC as an Equality Rep, I thought it only fair and just to ask.
Well fuck it, the whole thing is really giving me some serious stress, so I've decided to have a laugh at everyone else's expense and make the stupid bastards show themselves up to be the fools they are. The dimwitted Treasurer's email forbidding me to go to last week's meeting was a gift from heaven, far too good not to be forwarded to my manager, who kindly took me aside and explained that this put a whole different perspective on things, and that the complaint has been passed up well beyond him into the higher echelons of HR, so the whole thing will be investigated by outsiders. Hoo-fucking-ray, Bring It On! It occurred to me that things will not begin happening until after the season of goodwill is over, and I didn't really want the main protagonist to be sleeping too easily over christmas, so a few hints have been dropped - receiving an email from the piece he is doubtlessly shagging saying she is "sick of all the bickering, it's worse than being at school" I replied with some serious causticity along the lines of finding it refreshing that she should term something as serious as bullying and harrassment "bickering" and including a link to the guidance on bullying and harrassment. She is a bit thick so I don't expect the penny to drop for a good while yet, but I'm sure she will mention to the relevant ears what she has received.
Some MK-isms:
(overheard during a Reps Course after a long session on Diversity, in particular racism, hosted in part by a black woman:
"I had to laugh when they wheeled in the darkie - couldn't they have found one in a wheelchair just to complete the picture?"
(spoken in front of the entire BEC last week, while relating the tale of how a disabled person, upon using the disabled toilet in a brand new government building, had pulled the supporting brackets from the wall and had broken a couple of fingers in the process) "You shouldn't laugh, but..." (nobody was)
A reason given for me not being able to be co-opted onto the BEC: "He's only back at work part-time on medical grounds, he wouldn't be able to stand the pressures of being a rep".
HOW do these people reach positions of power???
I managed to fire off a stunning piece of emailery to a variety of union reps designed to get a few danders up - I specifically asked, in light of my friend announcing last week that he was "taking a back seat" vis a vis union duties due to ill-health, who our Equality Officer is. Having been blocked from rejoining the BEC as an Equality Rep, I thought it only fair and just to ask.
Well fuck it, the whole thing is really giving me some serious stress, so I've decided to have a laugh at everyone else's expense and make the stupid bastards show themselves up to be the fools they are. The dimwitted Treasurer's email forbidding me to go to last week's meeting was a gift from heaven, far too good not to be forwarded to my manager, who kindly took me aside and explained that this put a whole different perspective on things, and that the complaint has been passed up well beyond him into the higher echelons of HR, so the whole thing will be investigated by outsiders. Hoo-fucking-ray, Bring It On! It occurred to me that things will not begin happening until after the season of goodwill is over, and I didn't really want the main protagonist to be sleeping too easily over christmas, so a few hints have been dropped - receiving an email from the piece he is doubtlessly shagging saying she is "sick of all the bickering, it's worse than being at school" I replied with some serious causticity along the lines of finding it refreshing that she should term something as serious as bullying and harrassment "bickering" and including a link to the guidance on bullying and harrassment. She is a bit thick so I don't expect the penny to drop for a good while yet, but I'm sure she will mention to the relevant ears what she has received.
Some MK-isms:
(overheard during a Reps Course after a long session on Diversity, in particular racism, hosted in part by a black woman:
"I had to laugh when they wheeled in the darkie - couldn't they have found one in a wheelchair just to complete the picture?"
(spoken in front of the entire BEC last week, while relating the tale of how a disabled person, upon using the disabled toilet in a brand new government building, had pulled the supporting brackets from the wall and had broken a couple of fingers in the process) "You shouldn't laugh, but..." (nobody was)
A reason given for me not being able to be co-opted onto the BEC: "He's only back at work part-time on medical grounds, he wouldn't be able to stand the pressures of being a rep".
HOW do these people reach positions of power???
Saturday, 15 December 2007
LOOKING BACK
Looking back over the comments I have made concerning the grievance procedure at work, I am absolutely astounded at how big a case this has mushroomed into. When it all kicked off, I felt a bit like I was the one doing the harrassing, despite his threats, but little did I realise the depth of antipathy towards this fascist bastard whose latest excuse for keeping me out of the union committee is that I am on PTMG and wouldn't be able to handle the pressure of union duties. This feels to me far worse than anything he's said up to now as it is totally discriminatory - he has not discussed any of this with me, just arrived at his own conclusion which is just another pathetic attempt to keep me off the BEC. I genuinely wish this guy harm, and that is not a feeling I like to hold within me. I had thought I was the only person who harboured an irrational hatred for this man, but it seems I am far from alone, and I have opened up a can of worms which hides a nest of vipers. I would love to see the bastard publicly humiliated, but he's not the kind of guy it happens to. To begin with I was a bit worried that the whole thing would blow up in my face, and I still am, though less so now. He's so thick skinned I doubt there's much can penetrate through to actually hurt him. I would like this to be over as soon as possible, but it's not looking good. The Union "are aware of the matter" and have chastised me for suggesting they might want to get a move on with this. At work, the red tape and procedures are equally endless... this is going to drag on and drag on, and despite a growing amount of evidence, I'm still not convinced that the outcome will be worth the effort. Christ, I've only been back at work a few weeks! Why did I bother?
MEMORIES ARE MADE OF THIS...
My memory seems to be as substantial as tissuepaper in the rain. I completely forgot that today was the diiner at the nursing home of one of the ladies on the Expert Patient Program, and one of the organisers has just phoned me to check. I am so disappointed in myself, and feel I have let everbody down, especially S, who is a quite remarkable person. She's in a wheelchair following a stroke, and has hardly any movement down her left side, but is determined she will one day walk again. In the group sessions I found her a source of constant inspiration.
I'm so wrapped up in all the dark stuff going on I'm losing sight of what really matters, and this is one of the reasons I went on the sick in the first place - the office is so soul-destroying and energy-sapping that it leaves me with no resources for anything else other than gazing at the telly or swilling beer.
Little brother sent me a text just now asking for brothers' addresses (and ours) - unless I write it down now, he's got no chance. I'm a bit pissed off at how needy he gets at times, but he's always been that way, and always will be. It would be nice if I could rely on him for once, but that's hardly likely. See? I went into the kitchen to write a note, and instead of doing that I had some shepherd's pie and came back with a bag of crisps, no note written! I'm pathetic! It is a real worry, hence the referral to the memory clinic, but I wouldn't be surprised if I "don't fit the criteria" as with the colonoscopy which never happened (can't say I'm disappointed though!)
I'm so wrapped up in all the dark stuff going on I'm losing sight of what really matters, and this is one of the reasons I went on the sick in the first place - the office is so soul-destroying and energy-sapping that it leaves me with no resources for anything else other than gazing at the telly or swilling beer.
Little brother sent me a text just now asking for brothers' addresses (and ours) - unless I write it down now, he's got no chance. I'm a bit pissed off at how needy he gets at times, but he's always been that way, and always will be. It would be nice if I could rely on him for once, but that's hardly likely. See? I went into the kitchen to write a note, and instead of doing that I had some shepherd's pie and came back with a bag of crisps, no note written! I'm pathetic! It is a real worry, hence the referral to the memory clinic, but I wouldn't be surprised if I "don't fit the criteria" as with the colonoscopy which never happened (can't say I'm disappointed though!)
Friday, 14 December 2007
THE WEEKEND STARTS HERE, BUT WHERE DID THE REST OF THE WEEK GO?
It all goes by so fast. Wednesday I went to Carmarthen by train to attend the BEC, which was by no means a wasted journey, even though I failed in my bid to be co-opted back onto the BEC, I now know who my allies are. To date three complaints (including mine) have gone in to the union, though only my case has been put forward at work. I was very nervous about going, and was kept out of the room for 45 minutes while the arguments raged, and decided to leave at lunchtime as there was little point in staying on. I got dreadfully confused over train times and suddenly had an hour to kill after all my rushing hither and thither, so I spent some time admiring and taking photos of the Millenium Bridge in Carmarthen, which is an awesome structure, and really fits in well with the landscape surrounding it.
I bought a filofax while I was there, to keep track of my Sustrans and Union work mainly, and started to place my friends' contact details on the journey back. I had to text a couple of them to check their postcodes, and when I received an email from Ted telling me that Sustrans had won the bid for £50,000,000 of Lottery funding my mood was instantly lifted. It is fantastic news and I am proud to be an active part of Sustrans.
Texts were flying all over the place the whole day on Wednesday - there are now around 100 in my inbox! A very stressful and demanding day which laid me a little low on Thursday, so I ducked out of the curry I was supposed to be having in Tenby with the people from the mediation session. Thursday evening I was so annoyed by the complete lack of response from PCS that I fired off an angry email to most of the top brass demanding a response from someone in authority who could do something, and received a reply this morning telling me to be patient!
Are they all complete blundering idiots? This is obviously why MK has been getting away with it for so long.
This morning I have been to the gym and had a good workout on the bike, treadmill and rowing machine, and I feel better for it. I need to get the gym sessions built into my weekly routine, and start swimming. My legs are pretty fit but anything above that needs quite a bit of work.
I need to clean and lubricate my mountain bike, but keep putting it off.
I also need to get my christmas cards out to the local bike shops with my contact details on. I'm determined to be a good liaison ranger!
Tonight is the Lantern Procession through town and then Santa's appearance at the park. I was shown photos of the lantern my wife has been working on and was very jealous that she can make time to do this kind of thing while I have to wageslave to support her. It is however a very good lantern, so I'm also quite proud of her, but at the moment it's only serving to remind me of my own misery.
I bought a filofax while I was there, to keep track of my Sustrans and Union work mainly, and started to place my friends' contact details on the journey back. I had to text a couple of them to check their postcodes, and when I received an email from Ted telling me that Sustrans had won the bid for £50,000,000 of Lottery funding my mood was instantly lifted. It is fantastic news and I am proud to be an active part of Sustrans.
Texts were flying all over the place the whole day on Wednesday - there are now around 100 in my inbox! A very stressful and demanding day which laid me a little low on Thursday, so I ducked out of the curry I was supposed to be having in Tenby with the people from the mediation session. Thursday evening I was so annoyed by the complete lack of response from PCS that I fired off an angry email to most of the top brass demanding a response from someone in authority who could do something, and received a reply this morning telling me to be patient!
Are they all complete blundering idiots? This is obviously why MK has been getting away with it for so long.
This morning I have been to the gym and had a good workout on the bike, treadmill and rowing machine, and I feel better for it. I need to get the gym sessions built into my weekly routine, and start swimming. My legs are pretty fit but anything above that needs quite a bit of work.
I need to clean and lubricate my mountain bike, but keep putting it off.
I also need to get my christmas cards out to the local bike shops with my contact details on. I'm determined to be a good liaison ranger!
Tonight is the Lantern Procession through town and then Santa's appearance at the park. I was shown photos of the lantern my wife has been working on and was very jealous that she can make time to do this kind of thing while I have to wageslave to support her. It is however a very good lantern, so I'm also quite proud of her, but at the moment it's only serving to remind me of my own misery.
Tuesday, 11 December 2007
TUESDAY
Yesterday I had a formal meeting with management about my grievance. Obviously I can't say much without breaching confidentiality, but it went as well as it could have. Now is the long wait until the next stage. My manager is pushing this through as fast as he can, which I appreciate, but the red tape is there in abundance at every corner like cassettes flung from cars, and it feels like progress is as slow as possible.
I could do with finding out before tomorrow if MK has been informed. Tomorrow is the meeting in Carmarthen which is beginning to feel like High Noon.
While I am happy with the level of support I am getting from everyone concerned, I am still not coping well with the stress of it all. I need to keep myself distracted or my mind comes back to the same old scenario that he's going to walk away from this completely unscathed, which is of course the worst-case scenario. It is dominating the shape and texture of each and every day at the moment. I am making bread daily, which provides another focus for the day, and I am forcing myself to be "sociable". I have taken on the role of Sustrans Liaison Ranger for Pembrokeshire, and through that attended an office party in Swansea last Friday. I have to say that for the most part I felt very awkward and wanted to run for the door, but I hung in there and things did get better as the crowd thinned out, and I got to talk to the relevant people. I've also been emailing the other rangers with some positive response, and we're now organising a ride and dinner for the end of January.
I could do with finding out before tomorrow if MK has been informed. Tomorrow is the meeting in Carmarthen which is beginning to feel like High Noon.
While I am happy with the level of support I am getting from everyone concerned, I am still not coping well with the stress of it all. I need to keep myself distracted or my mind comes back to the same old scenario that he's going to walk away from this completely unscathed, which is of course the worst-case scenario. It is dominating the shape and texture of each and every day at the moment. I am making bread daily, which provides another focus for the day, and I am forcing myself to be "sociable". I have taken on the role of Sustrans Liaison Ranger for Pembrokeshire, and through that attended an office party in Swansea last Friday. I have to say that for the most part I felt very awkward and wanted to run for the door, but I hung in there and things did get better as the crowd thinned out, and I got to talk to the relevant people. I've also been emailing the other rangers with some positive response, and we're now organising a ride and dinner for the end of January.
Saturday, 8 December 2007
DOWN DEEP DARKNESS
I've been in the grip of a dreadfully deep depression since last Thursday when I got home from the meditation session. I got home around 8:45 and as usual the place was in darkness, everyone gone to bed, except Mavis who was doing her usual pathetic blubbering routine at her bedroom door. I was cold wet and hungry after coming in from a very stormy night, and I just flew into an unaccountable rage which I didn't feel inclined to subdue. I do feel very taken for granted a lot of the time, mainly because I'm stuck in a deadend detestable job wageslaving while my wife does her own thing, quite often at the expense of the housework.
(edit: I have omitted to mention the picket line on Thursday morning - wild winds and cold drizzle not withstanding I was out there at 7:30am, as was Rob, who gave me a lift up there, Fat Brian, Sian, some geezer I don't know, and MK himself, who blanked me the whole time. Maybe that was the start of the darkness, who knows?)
On Friday I took the train to Swansea for the Sustrans Office Party, and I'm glad I did. The train ride was predictably poor, I arrived unfashionably late to be told I'd missed the speeches but to get stuck in to the food, which I duly did. There were a lot of suits around, and it seemed everyone had someone with whom to be deep in important conversation, as is usually the case at these functions, and I really had to fight the urge to just slide on out the door again. Soon enough the suits left and the few of us remaining soon found a good relevance to each other - a fellow ranger from across the border in Carmarthen, our Ranger Organiser and a couple of the office workers. Maybe after all I have actually managed to do some networking. I willingly let people come up to me and ask who I am and what I do, but I never do it to them - I just get the feeling that I'm going to be looked at rather like the Queen might regard someone who'd just asked her what she did for a living.
I came straight home afterwards replete with a bottle of wine, couple of t-shirts and a handful of flyers to distribute, which the family took out into the streets of Pembroke Dock to distribute this morning. I'm glad I didn't have to do it.
Today I've been feeling physically drained, with much aching in the knees, which wore off eventually.
(edit: I have omitted to mention the picket line on Thursday morning - wild winds and cold drizzle not withstanding I was out there at 7:30am, as was Rob, who gave me a lift up there, Fat Brian, Sian, some geezer I don't know, and MK himself, who blanked me the whole time. Maybe that was the start of the darkness, who knows?)
On Friday I took the train to Swansea for the Sustrans Office Party, and I'm glad I did. The train ride was predictably poor, I arrived unfashionably late to be told I'd missed the speeches but to get stuck in to the food, which I duly did. There were a lot of suits around, and it seemed everyone had someone with whom to be deep in important conversation, as is usually the case at these functions, and I really had to fight the urge to just slide on out the door again. Soon enough the suits left and the few of us remaining soon found a good relevance to each other - a fellow ranger from across the border in Carmarthen, our Ranger Organiser and a couple of the office workers. Maybe after all I have actually managed to do some networking. I willingly let people come up to me and ask who I am and what I do, but I never do it to them - I just get the feeling that I'm going to be looked at rather like the Queen might regard someone who'd just asked her what she did for a living.
I came straight home afterwards replete with a bottle of wine, couple of t-shirts and a handful of flyers to distribute, which the family took out into the streets of Pembroke Dock to distribute this morning. I'm glad I didn't have to do it.
Today I've been feeling physically drained, with much aching in the knees, which wore off eventually.
Wednesday, 5 December 2007
ROLLERCOASTER
My mood can most definitely be described as swinging. Way up, way down. There's too much going on to ascribe it to anything in particular. I'm very tired most of the time. My joints ache more than they have ever done before, but I'm not sure whether to bother worrying about it or not. I forgot that my trip to Cardiff for the Sustrans do is this Friday - all week I've been thinking it was next week, so that's thrown yet another spanner in the works... I have a session booked in the Gym for Friday, which I can't move to Thursday as I'm cycling to Tenby for meditation in the evening, which would be a bit of an exercise overdose.
Tomorrow morning the 2 day strike begins, and while I'm not particularly behind this strike, I don't cross picket lines, and I may be joining Rob on the picket line, just to crank the situation up a notch, ruffle some feathers, just for sport.
Monday is the first hearing of my complaint of Harrassment, and thanks to Sonia I'm being represented by Ian Pickford, who is THE man for this sort of thing. My manager knows him, which is a good thing.
Next Wednesday is the BEC in Carmarthen, which I'm looking forward to immensely, and my meeting with Ian will be a good time to check the legal and procedural position, before I charge in there with all guns blazing.
The state of my mind constantly alarms me - a good job I looked at the invitation to the Sustrans do just now, as it's not in Cardiff but Swansea! D'oh!
Tomorrow morning the 2 day strike begins, and while I'm not particularly behind this strike, I don't cross picket lines, and I may be joining Rob on the picket line, just to crank the situation up a notch, ruffle some feathers, just for sport.
Monday is the first hearing of my complaint of Harrassment, and thanks to Sonia I'm being represented by Ian Pickford, who is THE man for this sort of thing. My manager knows him, which is a good thing.
Next Wednesday is the BEC in Carmarthen, which I'm looking forward to immensely, and my meeting with Ian will be a good time to check the legal and procedural position, before I charge in there with all guns blazing.
The state of my mind constantly alarms me - a good job I looked at the invitation to the Sustrans do just now, as it's not in Cardiff but Swansea! D'oh!
Tuesday, 4 December 2007
WHERE?
Oh where etc has my last post gone? I wouldn't mind but I wrote it twice! I got up too late to go to work so just didn't bother, and wrote a piece of blog before heading off to Haverfordwest in search of decent trainers, then later in the evening I wrote it all again, and added a piece about my first training session in the local gym, but it's (obviously) not here.
I forced myself into work today, and walked instead of cycling, just to vary the exercise. If I worked in Haverfordwest I could kayak to work. There's some dude works for Howies in Cardigan who claims he takes the canoe to work. He maybe did it once. If that.
My mood, and with it everything else, is sinking fast, and it is work and its attendant hassles that is the root cause, there's no denying, but there's so much other stuff just piling itself on top that I feel barely able to breathe some days.
I forced myself into work today, and walked instead of cycling, just to vary the exercise. If I worked in Haverfordwest I could kayak to work. There's some dude works for Howies in Cardigan who claims he takes the canoe to work. He maybe did it once. If that.
My mood, and with it everything else, is sinking fast, and it is work and its attendant hassles that is the root cause, there's no denying, but there's so much other stuff just piling itself on top that I feel barely able to breathe some days.
Sunday, 2 December 2007
SUNDAY FUCKING SUNDAY
I was supposed to be going walking today with some people from work - the last I knew was when I left work on Thursday, I was to be picked up from home around 8:30am to drive out to Rosebush for a 10 mile walk in the Preselis followed by a pub lunch. As I was getting stuff together last night I sent a few texts to check that it was still on, with no response. I decided to assume that all was OK and duly got up at 7:45, and got everything ready to go. At 9am nobody had arrived, so I tried phoning. George answered, but I could only just hear him, and couldn't make out what he was saying. I tried again, but got the same. Having not had a return call I'm assuming he's either gone without me or he's not going, and I am really annoyed.
I spent practically the whole day yesterday making sure there was enough bread, and made a casserole to go in the slow cooker - I arranged everything around being out of the house most of today. It was raining when I woke up, but that cleared just after 8. It looks a bit windy but apart from that I can see no reason to cancel. I had suspicions this would happen, which is probably why I'm so pissed off. He's a fickle bastard, and if there was the prospect of doing a walk with female company he'd take that in preference and make sure I didn't get in the way (or any other male, come to that).
Today is "house tidying" day, so I'm going to be made to feel as welcome as a fart in a space-suit at home, oh joy. I'm also pissed off about yesterday, when to make the bread I first had to do a load of washing up, to make the dinner I first had to do a load of washing up, to make today's casserole I first had to do a load of washing up, (do you spot a trend here?), and go out to Tesco around 9pm to buy fucking ONIONS (I ask you), and there's still a pile of washing-fucking-up to be done. I'm afraid that if that's what's expected of me then my dear wife can stop playing at arty crafty things and go get an equally soul-destroying job as mine and bring some fucking money into the fucking house. I could have quite happily slapped her around the face when she announced yesterday that at the craft fair she had made £15 (which is probably about half the amount she spent on fucking materials.)
Am I being selfish? Possibly.
I spent practically the whole day yesterday making sure there was enough bread, and made a casserole to go in the slow cooker - I arranged everything around being out of the house most of today. It was raining when I woke up, but that cleared just after 8. It looks a bit windy but apart from that I can see no reason to cancel. I had suspicions this would happen, which is probably why I'm so pissed off. He's a fickle bastard, and if there was the prospect of doing a walk with female company he'd take that in preference and make sure I didn't get in the way (or any other male, come to that).
Today is "house tidying" day, so I'm going to be made to feel as welcome as a fart in a space-suit at home, oh joy. I'm also pissed off about yesterday, when to make the bread I first had to do a load of washing up, to make the dinner I first had to do a load of washing up, to make today's casserole I first had to do a load of washing up, (do you spot a trend here?), and go out to Tesco around 9pm to buy fucking ONIONS (I ask you), and there's still a pile of washing-fucking-up to be done. I'm afraid that if that's what's expected of me then my dear wife can stop playing at arty crafty things and go get an equally soul-destroying job as mine and bring some fucking money into the fucking house. I could have quite happily slapped her around the face when she announced yesterday that at the craft fair she had made £15 (which is probably about half the amount she spent on fucking materials.)
Am I being selfish? Possibly.
Saturday, 1 December 2007
SILENCE ON SATURDAY PART DEUX
Next Friday I have been invited to the opening of the all new Sustrans Office in Cardiff, which I'm really looking forward to. It'll be good to see Gwyn again and to meet some of the other Liaison Rangers. It's prompted me to sort out my Sustrans administration, and in promoting the Connect2 bid, it's put me back in touch with a "lost" friend in North Wales, though I probably won't hear from him again for another 4 years!
Sue phoned from Cardigan last night - it was a delight to hear from her, and she sounds so much better now she has a job and an "identity" in Cardigan. Hopefully she will come and visit us over the next couple of months. I feel that getting free from my obligations at the poetry night was the right step to take, and that it was the right time to take it. People are often too possessive of other peoples' "talent" - just because I wrote some good poetry 20 years ago doesn't mean I should still be slaving away at it now, but people, especially those who have come to know me through that medium, feel that I should keep slaving away at it, if only to keep their interest, after all, what could I possibly have to talk about beyond that?
Sue phoned from Cardigan last night - it was a delight to hear from her, and she sounds so much better now she has a job and an "identity" in Cardigan. Hopefully she will come and visit us over the next couple of months. I feel that getting free from my obligations at the poetry night was the right step to take, and that it was the right time to take it. People are often too possessive of other peoples' "talent" - just because I wrote some good poetry 20 years ago doesn't mean I should still be slaving away at it now, but people, especially those who have come to know me through that medium, feel that I should keep slaving away at it, if only to keep their interest, after all, what could I possibly have to talk about beyond that?
SILENCE ON SATURDAY
It has been a busy week - besides work I have had emails flying between myself and a few union officials, but don't yet seem to be making much headway.
On Wednesday I attended an Expert Patient Programme day which was very useful - there were presentations from some healthcare professionals and managers, particularly useful was the presentation about Exercise On Prescription, and I spoke at length about this to the pseron afterwards. It was very nice to see some of the people from the Course and chat with them, and being there spurred me into making the journey to Tenby on Thursday evening for the meditation session, which as usual was excellent, even though there were only Ann and myself present.
After cycling to Haverfordwest and back on Wednesday and to Tenby and back on Thursday (a total of between 40 and 50 miles) I was very tired on Friday, especially around my knees.
Notwithstanding, I got an appointment to see Dr Evans, and talked him into a referral to the Exercise on Prescription, and went from there straight to the Leisure Centre to get started. I had a consultation with Carol, who will be working with me, completed the mountain of paperwork, and I will commence twice-weekly sessions in the gym starting Monday. I then set out to find some suitable footwear, which is no easy task around yur.
Today the family are out at a craft fair all day, leaving me in peace to get some rest and recuperation. Tomorrow I'm being collected at 8:30am to go for a 10 mile walk in the Preselis with a few chaps from work. I'm glad of the business as it is a distraction from the aforementioned hassles at work, which I do not intend to dwell on until there is some development. I have been making bread on a daily basis with mixed results, and have bought some new equipment - some digital scales, a new wooden board and a granite board for rolling and pastry. We've done some rearrangement in the kitchen, but it's still pretty chaotic.
The weather today is heavy rain and howling gales, and I don't really want to venture out unless I have to, but I think I may need a few things for baking.
On Wednesday I attended an Expert Patient Programme day which was very useful - there were presentations from some healthcare professionals and managers, particularly useful was the presentation about Exercise On Prescription, and I spoke at length about this to the pseron afterwards. It was very nice to see some of the people from the Course and chat with them, and being there spurred me into making the journey to Tenby on Thursday evening for the meditation session, which as usual was excellent, even though there were only Ann and myself present.
After cycling to Haverfordwest and back on Wednesday and to Tenby and back on Thursday (a total of between 40 and 50 miles) I was very tired on Friday, especially around my knees.
Notwithstanding, I got an appointment to see Dr Evans, and talked him into a referral to the Exercise on Prescription, and went from there straight to the Leisure Centre to get started. I had a consultation with Carol, who will be working with me, completed the mountain of paperwork, and I will commence twice-weekly sessions in the gym starting Monday. I then set out to find some suitable footwear, which is no easy task around yur.
Today the family are out at a craft fair all day, leaving me in peace to get some rest and recuperation. Tomorrow I'm being collected at 8:30am to go for a 10 mile walk in the Preselis with a few chaps from work. I'm glad of the business as it is a distraction from the aforementioned hassles at work, which I do not intend to dwell on until there is some development. I have been making bread on a daily basis with mixed results, and have bought some new equipment - some digital scales, a new wooden board and a granite board for rolling and pastry. We've done some rearrangement in the kitchen, but it's still pretty chaotic.
The weather today is heavy rain and howling gales, and I don't really want to venture out unless I have to, but I think I may need a few things for baking.
Tuesday, 27 November 2007
TUESDAY
Yesterday's 4 hours at work were spent compiling my complaint against MK, and I feel better in the knowledge that it has been handed in and due process will ensue. My only worry is a lack of evidence, but R & S are both busy collecting evidence, and although I do not wish to underestimate my enemy, I really believe he is too thick to deny anything. If he does I'm pretty sure he can be coaxed into unhinging himself.
Today's 4 hours were spent in "training" which was all a bit pointless, as I haven't had any of the training sessions which lead up to this one, so I just sat staring at videos and projections and trying to keep my eyes open.
My breadmaking is going well and proving to be a good distraction from everything, but the kitchen does need to be reorganised if life is to revolve around The Loaf. Made a nice white loaf this afternoon, though it looked all the way through like it was going to be a disastrous failure. Completely stuffed up a batch of parkin by only putting half the amount of golden syrup, forgetting to whisk and omitting the baking powder, leaving it tasting quite nice but the texture of wet cardboard. I'm annoyed with myself, but it's not the end of the world.
I have tomorrow off and an excuse to put in some miles as I have a meeting in Haverfordwest of the Expert Patient Programme which will take up most of the day.
On Sunday I'm going walking in the Preselis with George and a few others from work.
The following Friday I've been invited to a party in Cardiff for the opening of the new Sustrans Office, which I'm looking forward to.
Today's 4 hours were spent in "training" which was all a bit pointless, as I haven't had any of the training sessions which lead up to this one, so I just sat staring at videos and projections and trying to keep my eyes open.
My breadmaking is going well and proving to be a good distraction from everything, but the kitchen does need to be reorganised if life is to revolve around The Loaf. Made a nice white loaf this afternoon, though it looked all the way through like it was going to be a disastrous failure. Completely stuffed up a batch of parkin by only putting half the amount of golden syrup, forgetting to whisk and omitting the baking powder, leaving it tasting quite nice but the texture of wet cardboard. I'm annoyed with myself, but it's not the end of the world.
I have tomorrow off and an excuse to put in some miles as I have a meeting in Haverfordwest of the Expert Patient Programme which will take up most of the day.
On Sunday I'm going walking in the Preselis with George and a few others from work.
The following Friday I've been invited to a party in Cardiff for the opening of the new Sustrans Office, which I'm looking forward to.
Sunday, 25 November 2007
STRANGE SUNDAY
Got up fairly early, feeling a little groggy (time of year and medication combined) and it was fairly obvious that church wasn't really a viable option - I felt quite phlegmy, and it was plain to see that the older children were also a bit under the weather. The twins were one and the other - M had streaming eyes and nose and was crying at everything while O charged around the house like a bullock in Pamplona. I considered taking the older two for a bikeride, but it didn't materialise - D became sulky about nothing in particular and got sent to bed, and J and I walked down to Tesco to get some bits for dinner (homemade Fish Pie, went down very well). In the afternoon they all played in their rooms and I was able to read a bit of the paper. Good supplement about baking with children. I'm currently getting back into baking bread. Tonight I've made a sourdough sponge as the base for some rye bread to be made tomorrow. Made parkin yesterday which turned out loads better than the last one (didn't use any treacle, just golden syrup, and this recipe calls for brown ale - used Old Peculier) Baking feels like the right thing to be doing at the moment. I'm focussing quite well on the dinners too - we had an excellent curry on Friday, and the kids ate the leftovers with some tuna risotto yesterday. Compared to most kids I suppose they are excellent eaters and will try anything, but it's such a pain in the arse getting them to sit down and behave at mealtimes. Maybe it's time to change the routine somehow. The twins see mealtimes as a time to get attention. D can't sustain the effort even though he loves his food, and he gets easily distracted. J just gets on with it.
I feel a bit edgy now, (11:30) as I haven't had much exercise, and my thoughts are edging towards tomorrow, no matter how much I head them off...
I feel a bit edgy now, (11:30) as I haven't had much exercise, and my thoughts are edging towards tomorrow, no matter how much I head them off...
Saturday, 24 November 2007
SATURDAY
One of my GPs phoned me back when I tried to make an appointment on Friday afternoon, after the informal meeting at work, which went very well. I explained the situation at work, and added that I felt that more time off work would not be productive for my general recovery and rehabilitation. After a little negotiation, it was agreed that I should take a tranquilliser for a few days to get me through the worst of it, and I was able to pick up a prescription for diazepam.
I fell asleep quite early on Friday night and slept soundly, but still felt very weary and lacklustre all day today, though this could be a combination of things; the weather, my general state of health (I have a chesty cough at the moment) and the general stress of what I'm going through. When the incident happened, although it was quite a shock, as I contemplated what I might do about it, I felt quite good about being given the chance to "put the boot in", but it has since developed into much more than that. I'm still well aware that it's basically my word against his, and if he chooses to deny that the incident ever happened then it can probably progress no further. However, I do not think that would be his reaction, somehow. Also, because the allegations are of harrassment and bullying, I am able to provide a history of incidents leading up to this contretemps. There are also other members of the Union who have been subject to his outbursts, so there are a few things in my favour.
Anxiety about the whole situation does seem to be getting the better of me. I have already unearthed a few truths that I had hoped did not exist, and one wonders how much further up the line this whole thing goes. For instance - he has regular meeting with the contact centre manager, and for some reason he does this on his own, which I understand to be against union policy. I don't like the way conspiracy theories can grip the mind. I want to push this thing through and get a result at the end of it, but I don't want it to be in the forefront of my mind the whole time, so perhaps this is a good time to change the subject.
Before the meeting I had a slow ride up and down the dock - out to Llanreath, across to Hobbs Point, and then up to the bridge. It was a beautiful day, intense low sunlight, and I'm glad I was able to enjoy some of it.
I fell asleep quite early on Friday night and slept soundly, but still felt very weary and lacklustre all day today, though this could be a combination of things; the weather, my general state of health (I have a chesty cough at the moment) and the general stress of what I'm going through. When the incident happened, although it was quite a shock, as I contemplated what I might do about it, I felt quite good about being given the chance to "put the boot in", but it has since developed into much more than that. I'm still well aware that it's basically my word against his, and if he chooses to deny that the incident ever happened then it can probably progress no further. However, I do not think that would be his reaction, somehow. Also, because the allegations are of harrassment and bullying, I am able to provide a history of incidents leading up to this contretemps. There are also other members of the Union who have been subject to his outbursts, so there are a few things in my favour.
Anxiety about the whole situation does seem to be getting the better of me. I have already unearthed a few truths that I had hoped did not exist, and one wonders how much further up the line this whole thing goes. For instance - he has regular meeting with the contact centre manager, and for some reason he does this on his own, which I understand to be against union policy. I don't like the way conspiracy theories can grip the mind. I want to push this thing through and get a result at the end of it, but I don't want it to be in the forefront of my mind the whole time, so perhaps this is a good time to change the subject.
Before the meeting I had a slow ride up and down the dock - out to Llanreath, across to Hobbs Point, and then up to the bridge. It was a beautiful day, intense low sunlight, and I'm glad I was able to enjoy some of it.
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