FELLOWSHIP

I made a decision yesterday that I need to get out more (mainly on my bike) so came up with a "brand" of ride that I can promote within (and without) Sustrans - the "Fellowship Ride" - inviting Sustrans Rangers and other people to come along on a short ride (Wednesday evenings) and longer rides (Saturdays). I have mailed this out to the other Rangers and had the usual response from the usual 2 who show enthusiasm. However, I will not be thwarted by the miserable wretches who do not leave their homes for anything other than a free meal! If no-one turns up, I get to do the ride myself anyway, so what do I lose?

UNEMPLOYED?

A musing on the nature of unemployment... it has been around 6 weeks since I did any paid work. I made a claim for Jobseeker's Allowance as soon as I became unemployed, but at my preliminary interview it was clear that my claim would probably be disallowed unless I got a sicknote from my doctor, which I duly did. This resulted in my claim being transferred to one for E.S.A (Employment and Support Allowance) which is a revamped version of Incapacity Benefit. I'm not entirely comfortable with claiming benefit, but my doctor is happy to provide me with sicknotes while we explore what might or might not be wrong with me. I certainly don't like telling people I am unemployed, it is not a status which sits happily with me. While unemployed I am far from idle - my voluntary work with Sustrans continues apace; if anything, with renewed vigour. My church work continues also, though somewhat slower.

When one is employed, there is a sense of belonging, and a sense of status and self-worth which is absent among the unemployed. All you belong to is the dole queue.

I "belong" to the fellowship of my Church. I "belong" to the Sustrans Movement. I "belong" to a Bible Study Group. I "belong" to God.

I do a lot of things, so why then do I feel a sense of shame?

My health conditions do prevent me from working full-time. I can no longer call myself a "writer" or a "poet", having had impenetrable writer's block for over 5 years.

I cannot remember the last time I painted anything. Really.

I don't like to admit that my health is a barrier. I can, with a great deal of preparation and effort, cycle around 60 miles in a single stretch, more than many people can do. I'm usually ill for a while afterwards, but it seems worth the sacrifice at the time, it's a good feeling, especially when done with good friends.

HELLO! HOORAY!

I've decided to rekindle this blog, as things are once more starting to grind me down. Since leaving the bikeshop I have spent some time working for Lidl here in Pembroke Dock as a "caretaker", which is a bit of a misnomer, as all I did was clean, but it was from 6am to 10am, and I actually enjoyed the job, even though it was by far the most soulless place in which I have worked, and staff morale was an alien concept. I left there a couple of months ago after a contretemps with a pompous buffoon of an area manager (my favourite quote was: "It's not a good idea to raise your voice to me, I'm the Area Manager!" Twit.

Since then I've been claiming Employment and Support Allowance, which is the new Incapacity Benefit, while trying (in vain) to get some proper diagnoses of my various illnesses and conditions. This is made more complicated and traumatic with my tried, tested and tame GP due to leave the practice any minute, and there have been discussions with various practice managers, deputy managers, doctors, receptionists, mostly conducted in loud voices to try and resolve the issue of continuity of care.

So, you rejoin me with no real job to speak of, no real "healthcare professional" to tell me what is wrong with me, and in a fairly downtrodden mood.

I am still the Sustrans Volunteer Liaison Ranger for Pembrokeshire, though that is also currently hanging in the balance. I am also quite closely involved with church, and this too is a source of depression and anxiety at the moment, for a variety of reasons.

I am a member of a Bible Study Group which meets weekly. This, surprisingly, is a source of strength and encouragement to me. (I say surprisingly, because when I joined the group 6 months ago I did not expect to form such strong bonds with people so quickly).

BLACKOUT