My coughing seems to have abated somewhat at last, just a few phlegmy attacks in the early mornings, though the dizziness/lightheadedness continues, though also not as bad as it was. I had a bad mood day yesterday, and consequently slept very badly last night. Today I have busied myself with breadmaking and general kitchen-related tasks, and the blackness has lightened throughout the day. Yesterday I felt very claustrophobic, probably because we have all been housebound for a few days now, and with the addition of a sister-in-law the house seems much smaller than it actually is. I dearly wanted to go out, but there was simply nowhere to run. I find myself sending off silly, irrelevant texts to friends who'll probably wonder at the state of my mental health if they take any notice at all - their lack of replies is noteworthy.
This is an aspect of Wales I don't like - the complete lack of a viable alternative.
I have also been sorting out the travel and accomodation arrangements for my forthcoming trip to Leeds, and it's looking like it will necessitate being away for three days - Thursday to get there, Friday to have the meeting (which is scheduled for 6 hours!) and Saturday to return. The first night will be spent ensconced in a hotel, but Friday I should be able to stay with the sister-in-law, and Saturday Morning I'm hoping to arrange a meeting with some friends from Moblog, as there are quite a few in the area, and it would be a shame to miss such an opportunity.
This prospect has cheered me up no end, as I had thought that I was to spend an hour or so in a meeting followed by a dash for the train and a further 8 hour journey home all in the same day, with no chance for enjoyment or relaxation. I might check out whether travelling back on Sunday is a viable option, though I seriously doubt it.
Saturday 29 December 2007
Wednesday 26 December 2007
ONLY WHEN I COUGH
I go dizzy when I cough. I'm not coughing "much" throughout the day, but when I do it's quite a violent cough. It's also caused a lot of pain in my diaphragm area - I think a visit to the doctor is required.
BOXING DAY BLUES
For 3 days now my daytime nappings have been violently disturbed by my bass-playing neighbour Paul. This has been an ongoing problem since we moved in here almost 5 years ago. It started with his stereo bursting into life at 7:30 every morning, and then he'd crank up the volume while he went and had a shower. It took a lot of complaining, but we finally got that to stop, then his dad went and bought him a bass guitar and a 25 watt amp, and we had to endure the excruciating sounds of him trying to tune the fucking thing at quite high volumes, and then trying to play it. I made uncountable complaints to the council and the police, and the latter were far more helpful and effective, even though the responsibility resides with the former to get it sorted. The council installed noise monitoring equipment, which for some reason didn't work. The police actually arrested him on one occasion when he'd been particularly abusive, and the final sanction was to thresten to confiscate his equipment.
Finally, his dad built him a soundproof room, with which I was most impressed. He also told us that Paul would come and check with us if it was OK for him to play loudly. To date he has never once done this.
I hope this is not a sign that hostilities are about to recommence. The police have attended today, and I have sent an email to the council bloke in charge of noise nuisance.
Despite this, Christmas has passed fairly uneventfully. I am pleased with my efforts to get in touch with the people I should be in touch with. I managed to get all the christmas cards sent out to the various rangers with details about the christmas dinner proposals, and I now understand why nobody seems to want the job of Liaison Ranger.
I still have a few letters to write, and I'm determined not to let these wait until I forget about them.
I have not been going to the gym, and I missed out on the curry night with the mediation class, and the meal at the old folks' home, which I was very annoyed about, but a New Year is approaching, with a new regime, so it's time to ring some changes.
Finally, his dad built him a soundproof room, with which I was most impressed. He also told us that Paul would come and check with us if it was OK for him to play loudly. To date he has never once done this.
I hope this is not a sign that hostilities are about to recommence. The police have attended today, and I have sent an email to the council bloke in charge of noise nuisance.
Despite this, Christmas has passed fairly uneventfully. I am pleased with my efforts to get in touch with the people I should be in touch with. I managed to get all the christmas cards sent out to the various rangers with details about the christmas dinner proposals, and I now understand why nobody seems to want the job of Liaison Ranger.
I still have a few letters to write, and I'm determined not to let these wait until I forget about them.
I have not been going to the gym, and I missed out on the curry night with the mediation class, and the meal at the old folks' home, which I was very annoyed about, but a New Year is approaching, with a new regime, so it's time to ring some changes.
Friday 21 December 2007
DECEMBER NOSTALGIA
Looks like I'm going to Leeds on 11th January! Just when I'd decided to forget about the whole grievance issue, I get an email telling me the Union President is requesting an audience with me on 11th January, to look at what has been going on within our branch.
This is just the kind of news I need, and Sonia too from the sound of her email. Rob will no doubt end up annoyed that he's not going and will probably try to inveigle himself onto the trip.
Now to re-forget it all over again!
I'm getting that December nostalgia- when people you've meant to get in touch with creep into the consciousness. It's much easier to assuage when the person has an email address or a mobile phone, but when you have to actually write to them it's a different matter, until Christmas comes around, and then you can send a card with a brief note promising a novella-sized letter in the new year, and the problem is once more postponed indefinitely.
edit: I did text the news about the meeting in Leeds to Rob, and immediately got the reply I'd expected: "I wonder why they haven't invited me?". This went on for 3 or 4 more texts, and I was sorely tempted to use the "it's always about you isn't it?" line, but then he turned up on the doorstep with a christmas card, and we had a brief chat about it - I can understand his point about the fact that nobody has even acknowledged receipt of his email, but he seems to be losing sight of the fact that if I hadn't stuck my neck out and made the complaint in the first place, he'd still be muttering beneath his breath and doing sod-all about it, as would everybody else.
This is just the kind of news I need, and Sonia too from the sound of her email. Rob will no doubt end up annoyed that he's not going and will probably try to inveigle himself onto the trip.
Now to re-forget it all over again!
I'm getting that December nostalgia- when people you've meant to get in touch with creep into the consciousness. It's much easier to assuage when the person has an email address or a mobile phone, but when you have to actually write to them it's a different matter, until Christmas comes around, and then you can send a card with a brief note promising a novella-sized letter in the new year, and the problem is once more postponed indefinitely.
edit: I did text the news about the meeting in Leeds to Rob, and immediately got the reply I'd expected: "I wonder why they haven't invited me?". This went on for 3 or 4 more texts, and I was sorely tempted to use the "it's always about you isn't it?" line, but then he turned up on the doorstep with a christmas card, and we had a brief chat about it - I can understand his point about the fact that nobody has even acknowledged receipt of his email, but he seems to be losing sight of the fact that if I hadn't stuck my neck out and made the complaint in the first place, he'd still be muttering beneath his breath and doing sod-all about it, as would everybody else.
Thursday 20 December 2007
STUMBLING THROUGH THE DAY
Woke up this morning with a bad cough and a pounding in my head, only the pounding wasn't in my head, it's builders outside replacing the guttering on our row of houses. My neck was aching pretty badly, and I generally felt run down and achey. Spent the morning writing out Christmas Cards for all the Sustrans Rangers, to send with letters about the forthcoming meeting. As it's the first I've co-organised, I want it to be a success. Roanna, the new Ranger Co-ordinator, is every bit as good as Gwyn at responding to emails, which always impresses me.
I have found that the simple act of writing things down is helping my memory problem. I'll remember things which are written on my to do list without having to look at it again. When I was performing poetry, I found that some poems would stick in my memory after a few readings, but some wouldn't - there would be a line somewhere upon which I would always stumble, and when that happens it tends to freeze me up - I can't think beyond that line, and it's not good to suddenly forget the rest of a poem, believe me the audience does notice! If I have the book with me and open at the right page, though, I can usually sail through the poem with no problem without having to actually read the page, it acts like a security blanket. Writing this reminds me that I have to organise a writers' workshop sometime soon. Now my self-confidence seems to be gradually improving, I feel more able to tackle things like this.
I have found that the simple act of writing things down is helping my memory problem. I'll remember things which are written on my to do list without having to look at it again. When I was performing poetry, I found that some poems would stick in my memory after a few readings, but some wouldn't - there would be a line somewhere upon which I would always stumble, and when that happens it tends to freeze me up - I can't think beyond that line, and it's not good to suddenly forget the rest of a poem, believe me the audience does notice! If I have the book with me and open at the right page, though, I can usually sail through the poem with no problem without having to actually read the page, it acts like a security blanket. Writing this reminds me that I have to organise a writers' workshop sometime soon. Now my self-confidence seems to be gradually improving, I feel more able to tackle things like this.
Wednesday 19 December 2007
IT'S A HOLI-HOLI-DAAAY
All bad things are now put aside. I went out for a pint and a chat with my friend Jules last night to the Ferry Inn, which was really nice. Today I called in at work with my Secret Santa present and cards for the team and I'd baked them a cake, which was very well received. I did consider going to the gym this afternoon, but it's too cold. Yes, you heard me right, it's too cold. A pathetic excuse I know, as it will probably be colder tomorrow, but my joints are all achy and I generally don't feel "right". I will go tomorrow, I promise.
I'm currently helping to organise our Sustrans ride and meal - following a conversation with Roanna this morning I've drafted a letter to go out to Rangers asking for their preferences, which I shall post tomorrow with christmas cards. It feels good to be spreading some good news for a change. I don't have to contemplate work until 31st December, and I don't have to think about my complaints until after the new year, so I can now devote my time and energies to good things. Now I'm beginning to make my presence felt as Liaison Ranger it feels good. I was very nervous about doing it at first, as I thought they'd all resent this upstart newcomer, but that's just my own innate paranoia.
I'm currently helping to organise our Sustrans ride and meal - following a conversation with Roanna this morning I've drafted a letter to go out to Rangers asking for their preferences, which I shall post tomorrow with christmas cards. It feels good to be spreading some good news for a change. I don't have to contemplate work until 31st December, and I don't have to think about my complaints until after the new year, so I can now devote my time and energies to good things. Now I'm beginning to make my presence felt as Liaison Ranger it feels good. I was very nervous about doing it at first, as I thought they'd all resent this upstart newcomer, but that's just my own innate paranoia.
ARE YOU HANGING UP A STOCKING?
Today was, unexpectedly, the last day I will work until the 31st December. My supervisor announced halfway through my four long hours that there was leave available over the next few days and that she didn't think I'd turn it down... how intuitive! I did consider leaving work early, but I cottoned on to the fact that no-one in the office gave a flying fuck if any work got done, so I thought I may as well sit around and get paid for it, and I'm glad I did.
I managed to fire off a stunning piece of emailery to a variety of union reps designed to get a few danders up - I specifically asked, in light of my friend announcing last week that he was "taking a back seat" vis a vis union duties due to ill-health, who our Equality Officer is. Having been blocked from rejoining the BEC as an Equality Rep, I thought it only fair and just to ask.
Well fuck it, the whole thing is really giving me some serious stress, so I've decided to have a laugh at everyone else's expense and make the stupid bastards show themselves up to be the fools they are. The dimwitted Treasurer's email forbidding me to go to last week's meeting was a gift from heaven, far too good not to be forwarded to my manager, who kindly took me aside and explained that this put a whole different perspective on things, and that the complaint has been passed up well beyond him into the higher echelons of HR, so the whole thing will be investigated by outsiders. Hoo-fucking-ray, Bring It On! It occurred to me that things will not begin happening until after the season of goodwill is over, and I didn't really want the main protagonist to be sleeping too easily over christmas, so a few hints have been dropped - receiving an email from the piece he is doubtlessly shagging saying she is "sick of all the bickering, it's worse than being at school" I replied with some serious causticity along the lines of finding it refreshing that she should term something as serious as bullying and harrassment "bickering" and including a link to the guidance on bullying and harrassment. She is a bit thick so I don't expect the penny to drop for a good while yet, but I'm sure she will mention to the relevant ears what she has received.
Some MK-isms:
(overheard during a Reps Course after a long session on Diversity, in particular racism, hosted in part by a black woman:
"I had to laugh when they wheeled in the darkie - couldn't they have found one in a wheelchair just to complete the picture?"
(spoken in front of the entire BEC last week, while relating the tale of how a disabled person, upon using the disabled toilet in a brand new government building, had pulled the supporting brackets from the wall and had broken a couple of fingers in the process) "You shouldn't laugh, but..." (nobody was)
A reason given for me not being able to be co-opted onto the BEC: "He's only back at work part-time on medical grounds, he wouldn't be able to stand the pressures of being a rep".
HOW do these people reach positions of power???
I managed to fire off a stunning piece of emailery to a variety of union reps designed to get a few danders up - I specifically asked, in light of my friend announcing last week that he was "taking a back seat" vis a vis union duties due to ill-health, who our Equality Officer is. Having been blocked from rejoining the BEC as an Equality Rep, I thought it only fair and just to ask.
Well fuck it, the whole thing is really giving me some serious stress, so I've decided to have a laugh at everyone else's expense and make the stupid bastards show themselves up to be the fools they are. The dimwitted Treasurer's email forbidding me to go to last week's meeting was a gift from heaven, far too good not to be forwarded to my manager, who kindly took me aside and explained that this put a whole different perspective on things, and that the complaint has been passed up well beyond him into the higher echelons of HR, so the whole thing will be investigated by outsiders. Hoo-fucking-ray, Bring It On! It occurred to me that things will not begin happening until after the season of goodwill is over, and I didn't really want the main protagonist to be sleeping too easily over christmas, so a few hints have been dropped - receiving an email from the piece he is doubtlessly shagging saying she is "sick of all the bickering, it's worse than being at school" I replied with some serious causticity along the lines of finding it refreshing that she should term something as serious as bullying and harrassment "bickering" and including a link to the guidance on bullying and harrassment. She is a bit thick so I don't expect the penny to drop for a good while yet, but I'm sure she will mention to the relevant ears what she has received.
Some MK-isms:
(overheard during a Reps Course after a long session on Diversity, in particular racism, hosted in part by a black woman:
"I had to laugh when they wheeled in the darkie - couldn't they have found one in a wheelchair just to complete the picture?"
(spoken in front of the entire BEC last week, while relating the tale of how a disabled person, upon using the disabled toilet in a brand new government building, had pulled the supporting brackets from the wall and had broken a couple of fingers in the process) "You shouldn't laugh, but..." (nobody was)
A reason given for me not being able to be co-opted onto the BEC: "He's only back at work part-time on medical grounds, he wouldn't be able to stand the pressures of being a rep".
HOW do these people reach positions of power???
Saturday 15 December 2007
LOOKING BACK
Looking back over the comments I have made concerning the grievance procedure at work, I am absolutely astounded at how big a case this has mushroomed into. When it all kicked off, I felt a bit like I was the one doing the harrassing, despite his threats, but little did I realise the depth of antipathy towards this fascist bastard whose latest excuse for keeping me out of the union committee is that I am on PTMG and wouldn't be able to handle the pressure of union duties. This feels to me far worse than anything he's said up to now as it is totally discriminatory - he has not discussed any of this with me, just arrived at his own conclusion which is just another pathetic attempt to keep me off the BEC. I genuinely wish this guy harm, and that is not a feeling I like to hold within me. I had thought I was the only person who harboured an irrational hatred for this man, but it seems I am far from alone, and I have opened up a can of worms which hides a nest of vipers. I would love to see the bastard publicly humiliated, but he's not the kind of guy it happens to. To begin with I was a bit worried that the whole thing would blow up in my face, and I still am, though less so now. He's so thick skinned I doubt there's much can penetrate through to actually hurt him. I would like this to be over as soon as possible, but it's not looking good. The Union "are aware of the matter" and have chastised me for suggesting they might want to get a move on with this. At work, the red tape and procedures are equally endless... this is going to drag on and drag on, and despite a growing amount of evidence, I'm still not convinced that the outcome will be worth the effort. Christ, I've only been back at work a few weeks! Why did I bother?
MEMORIES ARE MADE OF THIS...
My memory seems to be as substantial as tissuepaper in the rain. I completely forgot that today was the diiner at the nursing home of one of the ladies on the Expert Patient Program, and one of the organisers has just phoned me to check. I am so disappointed in myself, and feel I have let everbody down, especially S, who is a quite remarkable person. She's in a wheelchair following a stroke, and has hardly any movement down her left side, but is determined she will one day walk again. In the group sessions I found her a source of constant inspiration.
I'm so wrapped up in all the dark stuff going on I'm losing sight of what really matters, and this is one of the reasons I went on the sick in the first place - the office is so soul-destroying and energy-sapping that it leaves me with no resources for anything else other than gazing at the telly or swilling beer.
Little brother sent me a text just now asking for brothers' addresses (and ours) - unless I write it down now, he's got no chance. I'm a bit pissed off at how needy he gets at times, but he's always been that way, and always will be. It would be nice if I could rely on him for once, but that's hardly likely. See? I went into the kitchen to write a note, and instead of doing that I had some shepherd's pie and came back with a bag of crisps, no note written! I'm pathetic! It is a real worry, hence the referral to the memory clinic, but I wouldn't be surprised if I "don't fit the criteria" as with the colonoscopy which never happened (can't say I'm disappointed though!)
I'm so wrapped up in all the dark stuff going on I'm losing sight of what really matters, and this is one of the reasons I went on the sick in the first place - the office is so soul-destroying and energy-sapping that it leaves me with no resources for anything else other than gazing at the telly or swilling beer.
Little brother sent me a text just now asking for brothers' addresses (and ours) - unless I write it down now, he's got no chance. I'm a bit pissed off at how needy he gets at times, but he's always been that way, and always will be. It would be nice if I could rely on him for once, but that's hardly likely. See? I went into the kitchen to write a note, and instead of doing that I had some shepherd's pie and came back with a bag of crisps, no note written! I'm pathetic! It is a real worry, hence the referral to the memory clinic, but I wouldn't be surprised if I "don't fit the criteria" as with the colonoscopy which never happened (can't say I'm disappointed though!)
Friday 14 December 2007
THE WEEKEND STARTS HERE, BUT WHERE DID THE REST OF THE WEEK GO?
It all goes by so fast. Wednesday I went to Carmarthen by train to attend the BEC, which was by no means a wasted journey, even though I failed in my bid to be co-opted back onto the BEC, I now know who my allies are. To date three complaints (including mine) have gone in to the union, though only my case has been put forward at work. I was very nervous about going, and was kept out of the room for 45 minutes while the arguments raged, and decided to leave at lunchtime as there was little point in staying on. I got dreadfully confused over train times and suddenly had an hour to kill after all my rushing hither and thither, so I spent some time admiring and taking photos of the Millenium Bridge in Carmarthen, which is an awesome structure, and really fits in well with the landscape surrounding it.
I bought a filofax while I was there, to keep track of my Sustrans and Union work mainly, and started to place my friends' contact details on the journey back. I had to text a couple of them to check their postcodes, and when I received an email from Ted telling me that Sustrans had won the bid for £50,000,000 of Lottery funding my mood was instantly lifted. It is fantastic news and I am proud to be an active part of Sustrans.
Texts were flying all over the place the whole day on Wednesday - there are now around 100 in my inbox! A very stressful and demanding day which laid me a little low on Thursday, so I ducked out of the curry I was supposed to be having in Tenby with the people from the mediation session. Thursday evening I was so annoyed by the complete lack of response from PCS that I fired off an angry email to most of the top brass demanding a response from someone in authority who could do something, and received a reply this morning telling me to be patient!
Are they all complete blundering idiots? This is obviously why MK has been getting away with it for so long.
This morning I have been to the gym and had a good workout on the bike, treadmill and rowing machine, and I feel better for it. I need to get the gym sessions built into my weekly routine, and start swimming. My legs are pretty fit but anything above that needs quite a bit of work.
I need to clean and lubricate my mountain bike, but keep putting it off.
I also need to get my christmas cards out to the local bike shops with my contact details on. I'm determined to be a good liaison ranger!
Tonight is the Lantern Procession through town and then Santa's appearance at the park. I was shown photos of the lantern my wife has been working on and was very jealous that she can make time to do this kind of thing while I have to wageslave to support her. It is however a very good lantern, so I'm also quite proud of her, but at the moment it's only serving to remind me of my own misery.
I bought a filofax while I was there, to keep track of my Sustrans and Union work mainly, and started to place my friends' contact details on the journey back. I had to text a couple of them to check their postcodes, and when I received an email from Ted telling me that Sustrans had won the bid for £50,000,000 of Lottery funding my mood was instantly lifted. It is fantastic news and I am proud to be an active part of Sustrans.
Texts were flying all over the place the whole day on Wednesday - there are now around 100 in my inbox! A very stressful and demanding day which laid me a little low on Thursday, so I ducked out of the curry I was supposed to be having in Tenby with the people from the mediation session. Thursday evening I was so annoyed by the complete lack of response from PCS that I fired off an angry email to most of the top brass demanding a response from someone in authority who could do something, and received a reply this morning telling me to be patient!
Are they all complete blundering idiots? This is obviously why MK has been getting away with it for so long.
This morning I have been to the gym and had a good workout on the bike, treadmill and rowing machine, and I feel better for it. I need to get the gym sessions built into my weekly routine, and start swimming. My legs are pretty fit but anything above that needs quite a bit of work.
I need to clean and lubricate my mountain bike, but keep putting it off.
I also need to get my christmas cards out to the local bike shops with my contact details on. I'm determined to be a good liaison ranger!
Tonight is the Lantern Procession through town and then Santa's appearance at the park. I was shown photos of the lantern my wife has been working on and was very jealous that she can make time to do this kind of thing while I have to wageslave to support her. It is however a very good lantern, so I'm also quite proud of her, but at the moment it's only serving to remind me of my own misery.
Tuesday 11 December 2007
TUESDAY
Yesterday I had a formal meeting with management about my grievance. Obviously I can't say much without breaching confidentiality, but it went as well as it could have. Now is the long wait until the next stage. My manager is pushing this through as fast as he can, which I appreciate, but the red tape is there in abundance at every corner like cassettes flung from cars, and it feels like progress is as slow as possible.
I could do with finding out before tomorrow if MK has been informed. Tomorrow is the meeting in Carmarthen which is beginning to feel like High Noon.
While I am happy with the level of support I am getting from everyone concerned, I am still not coping well with the stress of it all. I need to keep myself distracted or my mind comes back to the same old scenario that he's going to walk away from this completely unscathed, which is of course the worst-case scenario. It is dominating the shape and texture of each and every day at the moment. I am making bread daily, which provides another focus for the day, and I am forcing myself to be "sociable". I have taken on the role of Sustrans Liaison Ranger for Pembrokeshire, and through that attended an office party in Swansea last Friday. I have to say that for the most part I felt very awkward and wanted to run for the door, but I hung in there and things did get better as the crowd thinned out, and I got to talk to the relevant people. I've also been emailing the other rangers with some positive response, and we're now organising a ride and dinner for the end of January.
I could do with finding out before tomorrow if MK has been informed. Tomorrow is the meeting in Carmarthen which is beginning to feel like High Noon.
While I am happy with the level of support I am getting from everyone concerned, I am still not coping well with the stress of it all. I need to keep myself distracted or my mind comes back to the same old scenario that he's going to walk away from this completely unscathed, which is of course the worst-case scenario. It is dominating the shape and texture of each and every day at the moment. I am making bread daily, which provides another focus for the day, and I am forcing myself to be "sociable". I have taken on the role of Sustrans Liaison Ranger for Pembrokeshire, and through that attended an office party in Swansea last Friday. I have to say that for the most part I felt very awkward and wanted to run for the door, but I hung in there and things did get better as the crowd thinned out, and I got to talk to the relevant people. I've also been emailing the other rangers with some positive response, and we're now organising a ride and dinner for the end of January.
Saturday 8 December 2007
DOWN DEEP DARKNESS
I've been in the grip of a dreadfully deep depression since last Thursday when I got home from the meditation session. I got home around 8:45 and as usual the place was in darkness, everyone gone to bed, except Mavis who was doing her usual pathetic blubbering routine at her bedroom door. I was cold wet and hungry after coming in from a very stormy night, and I just flew into an unaccountable rage which I didn't feel inclined to subdue. I do feel very taken for granted a lot of the time, mainly because I'm stuck in a deadend detestable job wageslaving while my wife does her own thing, quite often at the expense of the housework.
(edit: I have omitted to mention the picket line on Thursday morning - wild winds and cold drizzle not withstanding I was out there at 7:30am, as was Rob, who gave me a lift up there, Fat Brian, Sian, some geezer I don't know, and MK himself, who blanked me the whole time. Maybe that was the start of the darkness, who knows?)
On Friday I took the train to Swansea for the Sustrans Office Party, and I'm glad I did. The train ride was predictably poor, I arrived unfashionably late to be told I'd missed the speeches but to get stuck in to the food, which I duly did. There were a lot of suits around, and it seemed everyone had someone with whom to be deep in important conversation, as is usually the case at these functions, and I really had to fight the urge to just slide on out the door again. Soon enough the suits left and the few of us remaining soon found a good relevance to each other - a fellow ranger from across the border in Carmarthen, our Ranger Organiser and a couple of the office workers. Maybe after all I have actually managed to do some networking. I willingly let people come up to me and ask who I am and what I do, but I never do it to them - I just get the feeling that I'm going to be looked at rather like the Queen might regard someone who'd just asked her what she did for a living.
I came straight home afterwards replete with a bottle of wine, couple of t-shirts and a handful of flyers to distribute, which the family took out into the streets of Pembroke Dock to distribute this morning. I'm glad I didn't have to do it.
Today I've been feeling physically drained, with much aching in the knees, which wore off eventually.
(edit: I have omitted to mention the picket line on Thursday morning - wild winds and cold drizzle not withstanding I was out there at 7:30am, as was Rob, who gave me a lift up there, Fat Brian, Sian, some geezer I don't know, and MK himself, who blanked me the whole time. Maybe that was the start of the darkness, who knows?)
On Friday I took the train to Swansea for the Sustrans Office Party, and I'm glad I did. The train ride was predictably poor, I arrived unfashionably late to be told I'd missed the speeches but to get stuck in to the food, which I duly did. There were a lot of suits around, and it seemed everyone had someone with whom to be deep in important conversation, as is usually the case at these functions, and I really had to fight the urge to just slide on out the door again. Soon enough the suits left and the few of us remaining soon found a good relevance to each other - a fellow ranger from across the border in Carmarthen, our Ranger Organiser and a couple of the office workers. Maybe after all I have actually managed to do some networking. I willingly let people come up to me and ask who I am and what I do, but I never do it to them - I just get the feeling that I'm going to be looked at rather like the Queen might regard someone who'd just asked her what she did for a living.
I came straight home afterwards replete with a bottle of wine, couple of t-shirts and a handful of flyers to distribute, which the family took out into the streets of Pembroke Dock to distribute this morning. I'm glad I didn't have to do it.
Today I've been feeling physically drained, with much aching in the knees, which wore off eventually.
Wednesday 5 December 2007
ROLLERCOASTER
My mood can most definitely be described as swinging. Way up, way down. There's too much going on to ascribe it to anything in particular. I'm very tired most of the time. My joints ache more than they have ever done before, but I'm not sure whether to bother worrying about it or not. I forgot that my trip to Cardiff for the Sustrans do is this Friday - all week I've been thinking it was next week, so that's thrown yet another spanner in the works... I have a session booked in the Gym for Friday, which I can't move to Thursday as I'm cycling to Tenby for meditation in the evening, which would be a bit of an exercise overdose.
Tomorrow morning the 2 day strike begins, and while I'm not particularly behind this strike, I don't cross picket lines, and I may be joining Rob on the picket line, just to crank the situation up a notch, ruffle some feathers, just for sport.
Monday is the first hearing of my complaint of Harrassment, and thanks to Sonia I'm being represented by Ian Pickford, who is THE man for this sort of thing. My manager knows him, which is a good thing.
Next Wednesday is the BEC in Carmarthen, which I'm looking forward to immensely, and my meeting with Ian will be a good time to check the legal and procedural position, before I charge in there with all guns blazing.
The state of my mind constantly alarms me - a good job I looked at the invitation to the Sustrans do just now, as it's not in Cardiff but Swansea! D'oh!
Tomorrow morning the 2 day strike begins, and while I'm not particularly behind this strike, I don't cross picket lines, and I may be joining Rob on the picket line, just to crank the situation up a notch, ruffle some feathers, just for sport.
Monday is the first hearing of my complaint of Harrassment, and thanks to Sonia I'm being represented by Ian Pickford, who is THE man for this sort of thing. My manager knows him, which is a good thing.
Next Wednesday is the BEC in Carmarthen, which I'm looking forward to immensely, and my meeting with Ian will be a good time to check the legal and procedural position, before I charge in there with all guns blazing.
The state of my mind constantly alarms me - a good job I looked at the invitation to the Sustrans do just now, as it's not in Cardiff but Swansea! D'oh!
Tuesday 4 December 2007
WHERE?
Oh where etc has my last post gone? I wouldn't mind but I wrote it twice! I got up too late to go to work so just didn't bother, and wrote a piece of blog before heading off to Haverfordwest in search of decent trainers, then later in the evening I wrote it all again, and added a piece about my first training session in the local gym, but it's (obviously) not here.
I forced myself into work today, and walked instead of cycling, just to vary the exercise. If I worked in Haverfordwest I could kayak to work. There's some dude works for Howies in Cardigan who claims he takes the canoe to work. He maybe did it once. If that.
My mood, and with it everything else, is sinking fast, and it is work and its attendant hassles that is the root cause, there's no denying, but there's so much other stuff just piling itself on top that I feel barely able to breathe some days.
I forced myself into work today, and walked instead of cycling, just to vary the exercise. If I worked in Haverfordwest I could kayak to work. There's some dude works for Howies in Cardigan who claims he takes the canoe to work. He maybe did it once. If that.
My mood, and with it everything else, is sinking fast, and it is work and its attendant hassles that is the root cause, there's no denying, but there's so much other stuff just piling itself on top that I feel barely able to breathe some days.
Sunday 2 December 2007
SUNDAY FUCKING SUNDAY
I was supposed to be going walking today with some people from work - the last I knew was when I left work on Thursday, I was to be picked up from home around 8:30am to drive out to Rosebush for a 10 mile walk in the Preselis followed by a pub lunch. As I was getting stuff together last night I sent a few texts to check that it was still on, with no response. I decided to assume that all was OK and duly got up at 7:45, and got everything ready to go. At 9am nobody had arrived, so I tried phoning. George answered, but I could only just hear him, and couldn't make out what he was saying. I tried again, but got the same. Having not had a return call I'm assuming he's either gone without me or he's not going, and I am really annoyed.
I spent practically the whole day yesterday making sure there was enough bread, and made a casserole to go in the slow cooker - I arranged everything around being out of the house most of today. It was raining when I woke up, but that cleared just after 8. It looks a bit windy but apart from that I can see no reason to cancel. I had suspicions this would happen, which is probably why I'm so pissed off. He's a fickle bastard, and if there was the prospect of doing a walk with female company he'd take that in preference and make sure I didn't get in the way (or any other male, come to that).
Today is "house tidying" day, so I'm going to be made to feel as welcome as a fart in a space-suit at home, oh joy. I'm also pissed off about yesterday, when to make the bread I first had to do a load of washing up, to make the dinner I first had to do a load of washing up, to make today's casserole I first had to do a load of washing up, (do you spot a trend here?), and go out to Tesco around 9pm to buy fucking ONIONS (I ask you), and there's still a pile of washing-fucking-up to be done. I'm afraid that if that's what's expected of me then my dear wife can stop playing at arty crafty things and go get an equally soul-destroying job as mine and bring some fucking money into the fucking house. I could have quite happily slapped her around the face when she announced yesterday that at the craft fair she had made £15 (which is probably about half the amount she spent on fucking materials.)
Am I being selfish? Possibly.
I spent practically the whole day yesterday making sure there was enough bread, and made a casserole to go in the slow cooker - I arranged everything around being out of the house most of today. It was raining when I woke up, but that cleared just after 8. It looks a bit windy but apart from that I can see no reason to cancel. I had suspicions this would happen, which is probably why I'm so pissed off. He's a fickle bastard, and if there was the prospect of doing a walk with female company he'd take that in preference and make sure I didn't get in the way (or any other male, come to that).
Today is "house tidying" day, so I'm going to be made to feel as welcome as a fart in a space-suit at home, oh joy. I'm also pissed off about yesterday, when to make the bread I first had to do a load of washing up, to make the dinner I first had to do a load of washing up, to make today's casserole I first had to do a load of washing up, (do you spot a trend here?), and go out to Tesco around 9pm to buy fucking ONIONS (I ask you), and there's still a pile of washing-fucking-up to be done. I'm afraid that if that's what's expected of me then my dear wife can stop playing at arty crafty things and go get an equally soul-destroying job as mine and bring some fucking money into the fucking house. I could have quite happily slapped her around the face when she announced yesterday that at the craft fair she had made £15 (which is probably about half the amount she spent on fucking materials.)
Am I being selfish? Possibly.
Saturday 1 December 2007
SILENCE ON SATURDAY PART DEUX
Next Friday I have been invited to the opening of the all new Sustrans Office in Cardiff, which I'm really looking forward to. It'll be good to see Gwyn again and to meet some of the other Liaison Rangers. It's prompted me to sort out my Sustrans administration, and in promoting the Connect2 bid, it's put me back in touch with a "lost" friend in North Wales, though I probably won't hear from him again for another 4 years!
Sue phoned from Cardigan last night - it was a delight to hear from her, and she sounds so much better now she has a job and an "identity" in Cardigan. Hopefully she will come and visit us over the next couple of months. I feel that getting free from my obligations at the poetry night was the right step to take, and that it was the right time to take it. People are often too possessive of other peoples' "talent" - just because I wrote some good poetry 20 years ago doesn't mean I should still be slaving away at it now, but people, especially those who have come to know me through that medium, feel that I should keep slaving away at it, if only to keep their interest, after all, what could I possibly have to talk about beyond that?
Sue phoned from Cardigan last night - it was a delight to hear from her, and she sounds so much better now she has a job and an "identity" in Cardigan. Hopefully she will come and visit us over the next couple of months. I feel that getting free from my obligations at the poetry night was the right step to take, and that it was the right time to take it. People are often too possessive of other peoples' "talent" - just because I wrote some good poetry 20 years ago doesn't mean I should still be slaving away at it now, but people, especially those who have come to know me through that medium, feel that I should keep slaving away at it, if only to keep their interest, after all, what could I possibly have to talk about beyond that?
SILENCE ON SATURDAY
It has been a busy week - besides work I have had emails flying between myself and a few union officials, but don't yet seem to be making much headway.
On Wednesday I attended an Expert Patient Programme day which was very useful - there were presentations from some healthcare professionals and managers, particularly useful was the presentation about Exercise On Prescription, and I spoke at length about this to the pseron afterwards. It was very nice to see some of the people from the Course and chat with them, and being there spurred me into making the journey to Tenby on Thursday evening for the meditation session, which as usual was excellent, even though there were only Ann and myself present.
After cycling to Haverfordwest and back on Wednesday and to Tenby and back on Thursday (a total of between 40 and 50 miles) I was very tired on Friday, especially around my knees.
Notwithstanding, I got an appointment to see Dr Evans, and talked him into a referral to the Exercise on Prescription, and went from there straight to the Leisure Centre to get started. I had a consultation with Carol, who will be working with me, completed the mountain of paperwork, and I will commence twice-weekly sessions in the gym starting Monday. I then set out to find some suitable footwear, which is no easy task around yur.
Today the family are out at a craft fair all day, leaving me in peace to get some rest and recuperation. Tomorrow I'm being collected at 8:30am to go for a 10 mile walk in the Preselis with a few chaps from work. I'm glad of the business as it is a distraction from the aforementioned hassles at work, which I do not intend to dwell on until there is some development. I have been making bread on a daily basis with mixed results, and have bought some new equipment - some digital scales, a new wooden board and a granite board for rolling and pastry. We've done some rearrangement in the kitchen, but it's still pretty chaotic.
The weather today is heavy rain and howling gales, and I don't really want to venture out unless I have to, but I think I may need a few things for baking.
On Wednesday I attended an Expert Patient Programme day which was very useful - there were presentations from some healthcare professionals and managers, particularly useful was the presentation about Exercise On Prescription, and I spoke at length about this to the pseron afterwards. It was very nice to see some of the people from the Course and chat with them, and being there spurred me into making the journey to Tenby on Thursday evening for the meditation session, which as usual was excellent, even though there were only Ann and myself present.
After cycling to Haverfordwest and back on Wednesday and to Tenby and back on Thursday (a total of between 40 and 50 miles) I was very tired on Friday, especially around my knees.
Notwithstanding, I got an appointment to see Dr Evans, and talked him into a referral to the Exercise on Prescription, and went from there straight to the Leisure Centre to get started. I had a consultation with Carol, who will be working with me, completed the mountain of paperwork, and I will commence twice-weekly sessions in the gym starting Monday. I then set out to find some suitable footwear, which is no easy task around yur.
Today the family are out at a craft fair all day, leaving me in peace to get some rest and recuperation. Tomorrow I'm being collected at 8:30am to go for a 10 mile walk in the Preselis with a few chaps from work. I'm glad of the business as it is a distraction from the aforementioned hassles at work, which I do not intend to dwell on until there is some development. I have been making bread on a daily basis with mixed results, and have bought some new equipment - some digital scales, a new wooden board and a granite board for rolling and pastry. We've done some rearrangement in the kitchen, but it's still pretty chaotic.
The weather today is heavy rain and howling gales, and I don't really want to venture out unless I have to, but I think I may need a few things for baking.
Tuesday 27 November 2007
TUESDAY
Yesterday's 4 hours at work were spent compiling my complaint against MK, and I feel better in the knowledge that it has been handed in and due process will ensue. My only worry is a lack of evidence, but R & S are both busy collecting evidence, and although I do not wish to underestimate my enemy, I really believe he is too thick to deny anything. If he does I'm pretty sure he can be coaxed into unhinging himself.
Today's 4 hours were spent in "training" which was all a bit pointless, as I haven't had any of the training sessions which lead up to this one, so I just sat staring at videos and projections and trying to keep my eyes open.
My breadmaking is going well and proving to be a good distraction from everything, but the kitchen does need to be reorganised if life is to revolve around The Loaf. Made a nice white loaf this afternoon, though it looked all the way through like it was going to be a disastrous failure. Completely stuffed up a batch of parkin by only putting half the amount of golden syrup, forgetting to whisk and omitting the baking powder, leaving it tasting quite nice but the texture of wet cardboard. I'm annoyed with myself, but it's not the end of the world.
I have tomorrow off and an excuse to put in some miles as I have a meeting in Haverfordwest of the Expert Patient Programme which will take up most of the day.
On Sunday I'm going walking in the Preselis with George and a few others from work.
The following Friday I've been invited to a party in Cardiff for the opening of the new Sustrans Office, which I'm looking forward to.
Today's 4 hours were spent in "training" which was all a bit pointless, as I haven't had any of the training sessions which lead up to this one, so I just sat staring at videos and projections and trying to keep my eyes open.
My breadmaking is going well and proving to be a good distraction from everything, but the kitchen does need to be reorganised if life is to revolve around The Loaf. Made a nice white loaf this afternoon, though it looked all the way through like it was going to be a disastrous failure. Completely stuffed up a batch of parkin by only putting half the amount of golden syrup, forgetting to whisk and omitting the baking powder, leaving it tasting quite nice but the texture of wet cardboard. I'm annoyed with myself, but it's not the end of the world.
I have tomorrow off and an excuse to put in some miles as I have a meeting in Haverfordwest of the Expert Patient Programme which will take up most of the day.
On Sunday I'm going walking in the Preselis with George and a few others from work.
The following Friday I've been invited to a party in Cardiff for the opening of the new Sustrans Office, which I'm looking forward to.
Sunday 25 November 2007
STRANGE SUNDAY
Got up fairly early, feeling a little groggy (time of year and medication combined) and it was fairly obvious that church wasn't really a viable option - I felt quite phlegmy, and it was plain to see that the older children were also a bit under the weather. The twins were one and the other - M had streaming eyes and nose and was crying at everything while O charged around the house like a bullock in Pamplona. I considered taking the older two for a bikeride, but it didn't materialise - D became sulky about nothing in particular and got sent to bed, and J and I walked down to Tesco to get some bits for dinner (homemade Fish Pie, went down very well). In the afternoon they all played in their rooms and I was able to read a bit of the paper. Good supplement about baking with children. I'm currently getting back into baking bread. Tonight I've made a sourdough sponge as the base for some rye bread to be made tomorrow. Made parkin yesterday which turned out loads better than the last one (didn't use any treacle, just golden syrup, and this recipe calls for brown ale - used Old Peculier) Baking feels like the right thing to be doing at the moment. I'm focussing quite well on the dinners too - we had an excellent curry on Friday, and the kids ate the leftovers with some tuna risotto yesterday. Compared to most kids I suppose they are excellent eaters and will try anything, but it's such a pain in the arse getting them to sit down and behave at mealtimes. Maybe it's time to change the routine somehow. The twins see mealtimes as a time to get attention. D can't sustain the effort even though he loves his food, and he gets easily distracted. J just gets on with it.
I feel a bit edgy now, (11:30) as I haven't had much exercise, and my thoughts are edging towards tomorrow, no matter how much I head them off...
I feel a bit edgy now, (11:30) as I haven't had much exercise, and my thoughts are edging towards tomorrow, no matter how much I head them off...
Saturday 24 November 2007
SATURDAY
One of my GPs phoned me back when I tried to make an appointment on Friday afternoon, after the informal meeting at work, which went very well. I explained the situation at work, and added that I felt that more time off work would not be productive for my general recovery and rehabilitation. After a little negotiation, it was agreed that I should take a tranquilliser for a few days to get me through the worst of it, and I was able to pick up a prescription for diazepam.
I fell asleep quite early on Friday night and slept soundly, but still felt very weary and lacklustre all day today, though this could be a combination of things; the weather, my general state of health (I have a chesty cough at the moment) and the general stress of what I'm going through. When the incident happened, although it was quite a shock, as I contemplated what I might do about it, I felt quite good about being given the chance to "put the boot in", but it has since developed into much more than that. I'm still well aware that it's basically my word against his, and if he chooses to deny that the incident ever happened then it can probably progress no further. However, I do not think that would be his reaction, somehow. Also, because the allegations are of harrassment and bullying, I am able to provide a history of incidents leading up to this contretemps. There are also other members of the Union who have been subject to his outbursts, so there are a few things in my favour.
Anxiety about the whole situation does seem to be getting the better of me. I have already unearthed a few truths that I had hoped did not exist, and one wonders how much further up the line this whole thing goes. For instance - he has regular meeting with the contact centre manager, and for some reason he does this on his own, which I understand to be against union policy. I don't like the way conspiracy theories can grip the mind. I want to push this thing through and get a result at the end of it, but I don't want it to be in the forefront of my mind the whole time, so perhaps this is a good time to change the subject.
Before the meeting I had a slow ride up and down the dock - out to Llanreath, across to Hobbs Point, and then up to the bridge. It was a beautiful day, intense low sunlight, and I'm glad I was able to enjoy some of it.
I fell asleep quite early on Friday night and slept soundly, but still felt very weary and lacklustre all day today, though this could be a combination of things; the weather, my general state of health (I have a chesty cough at the moment) and the general stress of what I'm going through. When the incident happened, although it was quite a shock, as I contemplated what I might do about it, I felt quite good about being given the chance to "put the boot in", but it has since developed into much more than that. I'm still well aware that it's basically my word against his, and if he chooses to deny that the incident ever happened then it can probably progress no further. However, I do not think that would be his reaction, somehow. Also, because the allegations are of harrassment and bullying, I am able to provide a history of incidents leading up to this contretemps. There are also other members of the Union who have been subject to his outbursts, so there are a few things in my favour.
Anxiety about the whole situation does seem to be getting the better of me. I have already unearthed a few truths that I had hoped did not exist, and one wonders how much further up the line this whole thing goes. For instance - he has regular meeting with the contact centre manager, and for some reason he does this on his own, which I understand to be against union policy. I don't like the way conspiracy theories can grip the mind. I want to push this thing through and get a result at the end of it, but I don't want it to be in the forefront of my mind the whole time, so perhaps this is a good time to change the subject.
Before the meeting I had a slow ride up and down the dock - out to Llanreath, across to Hobbs Point, and then up to the bridge. It was a beautiful day, intense low sunlight, and I'm glad I was able to enjoy some of it.
Friday 23 November 2007
GRIEVANCE
After a dreadful night's sleep (kept waking up with a splitting headache - eventually took some painkillers at 5:30 but was up and about around 7am) I walked the kids to school then went and did a bit of shopping with wife and twins. It kept my mind off the meeting with management at work today, but didn't last long enough so went for a slow bikeride round the dock to test out my new longjohns and tyres... both seemed to perform well enough.
The meeting at work was informal and constructive. I am very lucky with the manager I have. I have elected to go through the formal grievance procedure, but having viewed the guidance there is a different procedure for harrassment, discrimination and bullying, which again has a separate clause for if the allegations are against a Union Official. It appears this is far more of a golden opportunity than I first imagined, the only problem being the lack of witnesses, but there is plenty of supporting evidence in the emails MK has been firing off left right and centre about me, and plenty of history I can build a case on. I wish I could say that I am coping with the stress of all this, but I really don't feel I am. I have a lot of pain in my neck and shoulders, which could be related to the bad cough I have suddenly developed, but I think, coupled with the bad night of sleep and the headaches, that it is probably stress-related. I feel I should discuss things with my doctor, and not just for the purpose of supporting the case. I do not want to have any more time off work, but would like people to know what's going on. I missed my meditation session yesterday because I just felt too drained to make the journey. If I cycle, it's going to be physically demanding, if I get the train it's going to be stressful, and I didn't feel up to either, which is a shame as it would have done me good to go.
I feel both relieved and apprehensive now that I've made things official - I'm aware that these things are apt to blow up in one's face.
The meeting at work was informal and constructive. I am very lucky with the manager I have. I have elected to go through the formal grievance procedure, but having viewed the guidance there is a different procedure for harrassment, discrimination and bullying, which again has a separate clause for if the allegations are against a Union Official. It appears this is far more of a golden opportunity than I first imagined, the only problem being the lack of witnesses, but there is plenty of supporting evidence in the emails MK has been firing off left right and centre about me, and plenty of history I can build a case on. I wish I could say that I am coping with the stress of all this, but I really don't feel I am. I have a lot of pain in my neck and shoulders, which could be related to the bad cough I have suddenly developed, but I think, coupled with the bad night of sleep and the headaches, that it is probably stress-related. I feel I should discuss things with my doctor, and not just for the purpose of supporting the case. I do not want to have any more time off work, but would like people to know what's going on. I missed my meditation session yesterday because I just felt too drained to make the journey. If I cycle, it's going to be physically demanding, if I get the train it's going to be stressful, and I didn't feel up to either, which is a shame as it would have done me good to go.
I feel both relieved and apprehensive now that I've made things official - I'm aware that these things are apt to blow up in one's face.
Thursday 22 November 2007
THAT THURSDAY FEELING
The day is mine. No work. Some dude is finishing off fitting new doors to the house, the family have all gone off to school/work/creche, it's raining heavily and I'm wide awake at 8am. I have an appointment with my manager at 2.30 this afternoon to discuss raising a grievance against MK for his outburst yesterday, which is a bit of a blot on the landscape of an otherwise perfect day, but it's all in a good cause. Today is the day Cycling Weekly comes out, today is the day of my meditation session; there are things to be thankful for, I just wish I didn't have to think vindictive thoughts today. It's my own fault. The manager in question has been incredibly supportive during my move back to work, almost as supportive as a good union rep should be, and he offered to speak to me about the incident on Monday, when I am due back at work, but I was insistent that it needs to be dealt with now, and he has agreed to see me today. It's not something that is worrying me unduly - I was a bit rattled yesterday, but slept OK (despite having run out of Amitriptylene) and feel quite calm about the matter today. One of my work and union colleagues said in an email yesterday "I don’t think I’ve ever disliked someone as much as I dislike him." I am very relieved to find that I am not the only one who feels this way. I was beginning to think my intense loathing was in some way irrational!
10:30am: As expected, the workmen doing our doors have left the job incomplete. It always happens in Pembrokeshire. Over a week ago they came round one evening to say they'd be doing the doors the following day, and they weren't seen again for over a week. There are a couple of sections of beading missing off the back door windows. He says he'll be back later to complete, but I will only believe that when I see it.
I have just had an email from my manager rearranging the meeting to 11am tomorrow. It's an annoyance as that's yet another incomplete day. I've already given up part of today to organising myself for it, and now I have to do the same tomorrow.
Can you see the pear slowly taking shape?
10:30am: As expected, the workmen doing our doors have left the job incomplete. It always happens in Pembrokeshire. Over a week ago they came round one evening to say they'd be doing the doors the following day, and they weren't seen again for over a week. There are a couple of sections of beading missing off the back door windows. He says he'll be back later to complete, but I will only believe that when I see it.
I have just had an email from my manager rearranging the meeting to 11am tomorrow. It's an annoyance as that's yet another incomplete day. I've already given up part of today to organising myself for it, and now I have to do the same tomorrow.
Can you see the pear slowly taking shape?
Wednesday 21 November 2007
EASING MYSELF IN GENTLY
I have not dared allow myself thoughts of anything other than work for the past three days. If I distracted myself for the merest second, I felt I would sink without trace beneath a deep and dreadful lack of enthusiasm. While at work I busied myself with renewing old acquaintances, in particular some of the Union Reps, with whom I had spent more time than others; ST and RL from my own office, PSJ from Cardigan (who has resigned and is currently on leave), LW from Ammanford, (taking a career break so currently uncontactable) and SL from Llanelli. Stories came to me bit by bit through the work email system that a lot of shit seems to have been hitting a lot of fans in the year of my absence. I was asked by Sian, Rob and Sonia if I'd consider rejoining the BEC, and in the face of such overwhelming camaraderie, I was unable to refuse. Of three old-school Unionists who ran our branch like a little Mafia, only one remains. MK. My nemesis. I have loathed and despised this person from the very moment we met, and he's now Branch Vice Chair, currently bidding for the post of Chair. It was agreed between a few of us that I can be co-opted back onto the BEC at the next meeting in December as there are not enough Reps to cover our office adequately, so I sent a courtesy email to the reps in our office, MK included, informing them of my intentions. As I was leaving work I was collared on the stairs by MK, who first expressed some surprise at my decision, and then tried to tell me that it would not be possible for me to become a Rep. I gave a shrug, and told him he wasn't going to stop me and wandered off down the stairs, whereupon he started shouting at me, telling me I will need to watch my back from now on. I didn't stick around to find out the or-elses, I am after all a grown man and above such childishness. Instead I left the building and went home, where I sent an immediate email to our Ops manager raising a grievance. I then emailed our Branch Secretary (who has also been victim to his bombastic ways) to raise a grievance within the union. I'm not sure if there were witnesses to his behaviour, but his voice when shouting was loud enough to be heard from some distance, so hopefully someone will come forward. The bastard is a bully, holds extreme rightwing views, is a sexist, racist bigot and should not be allowed union membership, let alone a position of power. He is untrustworthy and a fervent licker of management arseholes. I have been victim to his (deliberate) indiscretions, when he discussed something I did at work which was totally unrelated to Union Activities with a senior manager. I would not trust him to represent me or anyone else on any matter whatsoever, and if it kills me in the process I'm going to bring that bastard down.
I've been back at work less than two weeks.
I've been back at work less than two weeks.
Sunday 18 November 2007
PLATEAU
Sunday - had to drag myself out of bed and haul my tired ass straight to church this morning. Didn't go to bed till around 2:30am as I was manning the MP3 production line. Church was good - the visiting vicar was the one to whom I have an aversion - he started the service by announcing that he was to become Rector of Tenby, and so would be leaving our parish around February next year, which cheered me up no end. I'm sure he's really a nice bloke but I see him as a "career vicar" - he has ambitions, and I'm sure if he thought it would aid his progress he'd take up Freemasonry, or whatever it took. He isn't one "of the people" and seems very aloof, not something I see as a good quality in a religious man. Fine choice of hymns today, including For Those In Peril On The Sea, a personal favourite, though the clarinettist and choir managed to pitch it somewhere close to a dog whistle.
Made a curry laced with ginger and garlic for dinner, which went down very well, and will hopefully go some way to easing the nocturnal coughings. Kids have played quietly upstairs most of the afternoon and have allowed me to chill out listening to Radio 3 (absolutely STUNNING solo piano interpretation of Mussorgsky's Pictures at an Exhibition) while converting Mojo CDs to MP3 and reading some good interviews on the Idler website (Damien Hirst particularly impressive).
I'm hearing on the radio that Derbyshire is under snow. Now that makes me feel nostalgic. Winters here in Pembrokeshire are pretty dismal affairs in my experience, lots of dullness and greyness and unremitting rain, with little to break the mon-o-tony. The only exception I can think of is a couple of years ago, when I attended a 3-day Union course in Cardiff. On the second day, snow was forecast, and people immediately ran for home. I didn't understand until the following morning, when the only two people to arrive were myself and Paul Stefan Jones from Cardigan, who had been staying in the same hotel. He offered me a lift to Carmarthen, and as we made our journey it became apparent why everyone had been thrown into such panic. I got to Carmarthen just in time to catch the last train that would run that day. Snow was thick on the ground and everything was grinding to a halt. As the train neared Tenby the snow turned to rain, but as I got off at Pembroke Dock it was just turning back to snow, and within the hour roads were blocked and chaos reigned, and splendid chaos it was! By the following morning the snow had gone and all was back to normal. People muttered darkly of a winter a few years ago when the town was completely cut off for three or four days, so I should be glad that snow is such a rare commodity here, really.
Made a curry laced with ginger and garlic for dinner, which went down very well, and will hopefully go some way to easing the nocturnal coughings. Kids have played quietly upstairs most of the afternoon and have allowed me to chill out listening to Radio 3 (absolutely STUNNING solo piano interpretation of Mussorgsky's Pictures at an Exhibition) while converting Mojo CDs to MP3 and reading some good interviews on the Idler website (Damien Hirst particularly impressive).
I'm hearing on the radio that Derbyshire is under snow. Now that makes me feel nostalgic. Winters here in Pembrokeshire are pretty dismal affairs in my experience, lots of dullness and greyness and unremitting rain, with little to break the mon-o-tony. The only exception I can think of is a couple of years ago, when I attended a 3-day Union course in Cardiff. On the second day, snow was forecast, and people immediately ran for home. I didn't understand until the following morning, when the only two people to arrive were myself and Paul Stefan Jones from Cardigan, who had been staying in the same hotel. He offered me a lift to Carmarthen, and as we made our journey it became apparent why everyone had been thrown into such panic. I got to Carmarthen just in time to catch the last train that would run that day. Snow was thick on the ground and everything was grinding to a halt. As the train neared Tenby the snow turned to rain, but as I got off at Pembroke Dock it was just turning back to snow, and within the hour roads were blocked and chaos reigned, and splendid chaos it was! By the following morning the snow had gone and all was back to normal. People muttered darkly of a winter a few years ago when the town was completely cut off for three or four days, so I should be glad that snow is such a rare commodity here, really.
Saturday 17 November 2007
UPHILL ALL THE WAY
A circular journey can only be 50% uphill. (I know many people who just don't get that statement.)
Life, however, doesn't seem to be a circular journey, at least not yet, and today is uphill all the way. Wife was in one of her "stay out of my way I'm moving things" moods and ended up instigating a shouting match just because I couldn't remember where I'd taken a pair of shoes off over a week ago - an irrelevant point as it turned out as they turned up under a table where she'd put them. The only thing to do in these situations (which seem to be gaining in frequency of late) is to get as far away as possible, which is what I was trying to do. I was considering cycling to Haverfordwest, but first took Jasmine and Dylan on our first ever bikeride up the road to Memorial Park, where we rode round the paths and on the grass. They both impressed me with their cycling skills and stamina. They had a little difficulty tackling some of the slopes, but much less than expected. It was a cold and dull morning though, and as we headed back I noticed the first spots of rain and decided against a longer ride, opting instead to make a good stew for dinner, which everyone enjoyed, but I was unable to shake off my annoyance at the earlier altercation. Everyone (except me) went off to bed early, after a fine supper of scones with jam and clotted cream.
It's raining steadily and heavily, and I'm starting to ache in every joint.
I've found some missing Johnny Cash CDs and have converted them to MP3, and am enjoying hearing them again, particularly the spiritual songs - The Man Comes Around, My Own Personal Jesus. I'm So Lonesome I Could Cry cut me like the ice cold wind tonight.
Everyone seems enthusiastic about church tomorrow. Last week it was just Jassie and I, and she wanted to be a grownup and join in the service rather than playing with the toys which are left out for them. I'm glad we've found a church where we all feel equally welcome at last. I was left feeling pretty dismayed after our first few attempts. The first was a Pentecostal church, and the congregation consisted of a few veteran diehards who were dry old sticks. There was no music and the service was a cold austere affair, and not one any of us wished to repeat. St John's Church is the "busy" church but I have a natural aversion to the vicar there. Angie enjoyed going to the Bethel Chapel, but I found it strange and claustrophobic, though we went along as someone actually came knocking on the door to invite us. There seemed to be a healthy Sunday School, but I couldn't reconcile myself with the general weirdness of the services, which seemed to be unscripted and haphazard, but still lacking in spontaneity. St Teilo's is small, welcoming, very child friendly, and close by. They do not have a priest of their own, but have a roster of visiting vicars who are all OK by me, and their service starts at 11am, a most civilised time. The choir is one which needs to be experienced - when the organist is absent a clarinettist stands in, and always pitches the song just out of the range of the three old dears who comprise the choir which results in a lot of squeaking, missed beats, and general embarrassment, but who's to care?
I have a problem with religion in that almost all my friends are completely at odds with "The Church", religion in general, and especially the big J, for their own personal reasons. I have had friends of the Christian persuasion, but most of them have been barking mad, apart from The Harrison Family, who still remain the best examples of Christians I've ever met. I too have my reservations about organised religions of any denomination, but thanks to a hospital Chaplain (Michael Forster) I'm no longer self-conscious about going to church, and my feeling is that I can get as involved (or not) as I wish.
A scene which haunts my memory is during the funeral of my good friend Jim Gamble. Myself and PJ were being driven around by Jim's son Kristyan, who has been living in Cornwall for the past few years and has not had as much contact with his dad as he perhaps might. He was wondering aloud about his father's spirituality, saying that he never knew "that side of him".
PJ, an ardent and vociferous anti-christian, stated that Jim didn't believe in God, and I was perhaps a little too quick to correct this, as it was something which Jim had spoken to me of quite often in our conversations of the last few years. I regret saying anything now, as I hope it didn't come across as an "I knew him better than you" kind of statement, but I had to say something, and later, when PJ and I were alone and sharing a couple of whiskies, I brought it up again, pointing out that Jim was hardly the type of person to start a discussion on the merits of christianity with someone he knew took such an openly hostile stance. People turn to religion through loneliness, among other reasons, and maybe the people who shout loudest against it should bear this in mind.
Life, however, doesn't seem to be a circular journey, at least not yet, and today is uphill all the way. Wife was in one of her "stay out of my way I'm moving things" moods and ended up instigating a shouting match just because I couldn't remember where I'd taken a pair of shoes off over a week ago - an irrelevant point as it turned out as they turned up under a table where she'd put them. The only thing to do in these situations (which seem to be gaining in frequency of late) is to get as far away as possible, which is what I was trying to do. I was considering cycling to Haverfordwest, but first took Jasmine and Dylan on our first ever bikeride up the road to Memorial Park, where we rode round the paths and on the grass. They both impressed me with their cycling skills and stamina. They had a little difficulty tackling some of the slopes, but much less than expected. It was a cold and dull morning though, and as we headed back I noticed the first spots of rain and decided against a longer ride, opting instead to make a good stew for dinner, which everyone enjoyed, but I was unable to shake off my annoyance at the earlier altercation. Everyone (except me) went off to bed early, after a fine supper of scones with jam and clotted cream.
It's raining steadily and heavily, and I'm starting to ache in every joint.
I've found some missing Johnny Cash CDs and have converted them to MP3, and am enjoying hearing them again, particularly the spiritual songs - The Man Comes Around, My Own Personal Jesus. I'm So Lonesome I Could Cry cut me like the ice cold wind tonight.
Everyone seems enthusiastic about church tomorrow. Last week it was just Jassie and I, and she wanted to be a grownup and join in the service rather than playing with the toys which are left out for them. I'm glad we've found a church where we all feel equally welcome at last. I was left feeling pretty dismayed after our first few attempts. The first was a Pentecostal church, and the congregation consisted of a few veteran diehards who were dry old sticks. There was no music and the service was a cold austere affair, and not one any of us wished to repeat. St John's Church is the "busy" church but I have a natural aversion to the vicar there. Angie enjoyed going to the Bethel Chapel, but I found it strange and claustrophobic, though we went along as someone actually came knocking on the door to invite us. There seemed to be a healthy Sunday School, but I couldn't reconcile myself with the general weirdness of the services, which seemed to be unscripted and haphazard, but still lacking in spontaneity. St Teilo's is small, welcoming, very child friendly, and close by. They do not have a priest of their own, but have a roster of visiting vicars who are all OK by me, and their service starts at 11am, a most civilised time. The choir is one which needs to be experienced - when the organist is absent a clarinettist stands in, and always pitches the song just out of the range of the three old dears who comprise the choir which results in a lot of squeaking, missed beats, and general embarrassment, but who's to care?
I have a problem with religion in that almost all my friends are completely at odds with "The Church", religion in general, and especially the big J, for their own personal reasons. I have had friends of the Christian persuasion, but most of them have been barking mad, apart from The Harrison Family, who still remain the best examples of Christians I've ever met. I too have my reservations about organised religions of any denomination, but thanks to a hospital Chaplain (Michael Forster) I'm no longer self-conscious about going to church, and my feeling is that I can get as involved (or not) as I wish.
A scene which haunts my memory is during the funeral of my good friend Jim Gamble. Myself and PJ were being driven around by Jim's son Kristyan, who has been living in Cornwall for the past few years and has not had as much contact with his dad as he perhaps might. He was wondering aloud about his father's spirituality, saying that he never knew "that side of him".
PJ, an ardent and vociferous anti-christian, stated that Jim didn't believe in God, and I was perhaps a little too quick to correct this, as it was something which Jim had spoken to me of quite often in our conversations of the last few years. I regret saying anything now, as I hope it didn't come across as an "I knew him better than you" kind of statement, but I had to say something, and later, when PJ and I were alone and sharing a couple of whiskies, I brought it up again, pointing out that Jim was hardly the type of person to start a discussion on the merits of christianity with someone he knew took such an openly hostile stance. People turn to religion through loneliness, among other reasons, and maybe the people who shout loudest against it should bear this in mind.
Friday 16 November 2007
THE WEEKEND STARTS HERE
A good day today. Dragged myself out of bed around 10, having decided that today was the day the shed gets sorted. There's nothing like a bit of work to make one realise how precious time is! If it doesn't get done now then I can't attempt it till the end of next week. It's not an easy task, and is dependent on the house being child free. The shed door faces the bottom of the stairs. Everything needed to come out so that I could remove an old shelf unit we'd inherited from the previous tenants, so the living room was full of toolboxes and suchlike and the yard was full of bicycles and their paraphernalia. I ran out of time and had to shove a lot of stuff back willy-nilly before the kids got home from school, but it's much better than it was and the rest can be organised at leisure. Had a good evening keeping the kids amused with some handwarmers bought from Lidl, the gymball and a few tunes on mediaplayer - Oliver particularly likes the visualisations, and they all like singing along and cavorting round the room.
I've decided I'm going to buy Dylan a special present, for being so caring after I came out of hospital in September. He was very diligent, and wouldn't let me leave the house without him there to hold my hand and "help me walk", which I think is something which shouldn't go unrecognised. I have £25 of Argos vouchers from work, and I know he'd like a full-face helmet for riding his bike in, and they just happen to have one at Argos for...£25, which seems to serendipitous to miss. They've been told that if the weather is good then they get their breakfast and then out on their bikes for the whole morning. They've only just learned to ride, and they need the practice. If it's raining, then they'll be doing christmas-related arts and crafts upstairs while I continue with my shedwork.
Occasionally I miss the ritual friday-night-down-the-pub, but the pain which alcohol produces just doesn't make it a viable proposition. Hopefully Dave and I will get a walk in this weekend. I could do with one.
I've decided I'm going to buy Dylan a special present, for being so caring after I came out of hospital in September. He was very diligent, and wouldn't let me leave the house without him there to hold my hand and "help me walk", which I think is something which shouldn't go unrecognised. I have £25 of Argos vouchers from work, and I know he'd like a full-face helmet for riding his bike in, and they just happen to have one at Argos for...£25, which seems to serendipitous to miss. They've been told that if the weather is good then they get their breakfast and then out on their bikes for the whole morning. They've only just learned to ride, and they need the practice. If it's raining, then they'll be doing christmas-related arts and crafts upstairs while I continue with my shedwork.
Occasionally I miss the ritual friday-night-down-the-pub, but the pain which alcohol produces just doesn't make it a viable proposition. Hopefully Dave and I will get a walk in this weekend. I could do with one.
Thursday 15 November 2007
BACK TO THE ISSUE...
...of scar tissue.
I ended the last post with the accident which led to the scarring on my left hand, which also left my ring finger and index finger all but immobile for a couple of years, putting the tin hat on any aspirations I might have had as a guitarist. I also broke my left wrist in a similar accident: I was 17 and pissed, staggering along a dark Derbyshire Lane, when I needed a slash. I vaulted over a wall, suddenly remembering that there was a sizeable drop on t'other side, at least 10 feet... the wrist cracked right across the radius and took a long time to heal - had to be broken again to reset it twice. It still gives me pain to this day, but all these scars are as nothing compared to The Big One, The Daddy, the scar which says to all others "you're nobbut a scratch", the scar which runs in a straight line from just above my solar plexus to deep down in my groin, swerving very slightly to avoid the navel. This is the scar I got in 1994, after I'd been stabbed in the back. The knife, apparently, went all the way through and came out at the front, but this was not realised until they sewed me up, whereupon I swelled up like a balloon when the internal bleeding had no way of escape. I spent 3 days in the Intensive Care Unit of Leicester Royal Infirmary, and a further 11 days on a post-surgical ward going through all sorts of agonies, the worst of which was having 56 stitches removed from various locations - the scars in my back, one on my thigh, a hole where a drain had been plugged into my stomach, and of course the scar which puts all others in the shade. Remarkably, I did not lose the damaged kidney and made a full and complete recovery, thanks to all the medical staff at the aforementioned hospital.
However, the abdominal scar tissue causes problems of its own, and this has been added to by having my gall bladder removed in 2001, which left a scar tracing the end of the right side of my ribacage, and most recently the bilateral hernia operation, which has left my todger looking a bit like Jack Nicholson at the end of One Flew Over The Cuckoo's Nest. Any more and I will probably consist of more scar tissue than not.
I ended the last post with the accident which led to the scarring on my left hand, which also left my ring finger and index finger all but immobile for a couple of years, putting the tin hat on any aspirations I might have had as a guitarist. I also broke my left wrist in a similar accident: I was 17 and pissed, staggering along a dark Derbyshire Lane, when I needed a slash. I vaulted over a wall, suddenly remembering that there was a sizeable drop on t'other side, at least 10 feet... the wrist cracked right across the radius and took a long time to heal - had to be broken again to reset it twice. It still gives me pain to this day, but all these scars are as nothing compared to The Big One, The Daddy, the scar which says to all others "you're nobbut a scratch", the scar which runs in a straight line from just above my solar plexus to deep down in my groin, swerving very slightly to avoid the navel. This is the scar I got in 1994, after I'd been stabbed in the back. The knife, apparently, went all the way through and came out at the front, but this was not realised until they sewed me up, whereupon I swelled up like a balloon when the internal bleeding had no way of escape. I spent 3 days in the Intensive Care Unit of Leicester Royal Infirmary, and a further 11 days on a post-surgical ward going through all sorts of agonies, the worst of which was having 56 stitches removed from various locations - the scars in my back, one on my thigh, a hole where a drain had been plugged into my stomach, and of course the scar which puts all others in the shade. Remarkably, I did not lose the damaged kidney and made a full and complete recovery, thanks to all the medical staff at the aforementioned hospital.
However, the abdominal scar tissue causes problems of its own, and this has been added to by having my gall bladder removed in 2001, which left a scar tracing the end of the right side of my ribacage, and most recently the bilateral hernia operation, which has left my todger looking a bit like Jack Nicholson at the end of One Flew Over The Cuckoo's Nest. Any more and I will probably consist of more scar tissue than not.
WORKINGMANS BLUES PART 2
On Tuesday 13th November I returned to the job I've loathed more than any other after almost 9 months on the sick, while my hernias were diagnosed and treated. You can sense the reluctance. Notice I did not return on the Monday, that would have been just too much. Let the week start without me.
So, Tuesday morning I arrive, and need to get my Smart Card reactivated since it was repossessed a month or so ago, for "Security Reasons". This involved a lot of standing around while one of the techies did things that I didn't need to know about, after which it became instantly apparent that I was unable to access my work email account. As my instructions for the day were to sort through the myriad emails that would have accumulated in my absence, this was going to be a bit of a problem, and I sat quietly for 5 hours doing slightly less than fuck-all. No-one batted an eyelid.
A team member who tends to mother everyone kept trying to drag me into conversations, but all I wanted to do was stare out of the window.
The following 2 days were to be spent in training for the new workload, which is to be handling claims for Crisis Loans. Despite me only being scheduled to work Tuesday and Wednesday, I volunteered myself to attend Thursday's Training session so as to be synchronised with the rest of the wing when we "go live" next week. I wish I hadn't. Having undergone two days of quite intensive training I'm:
a) none the wiser
b) very tired and stressed
and
c) dreading going to work much more than I was before.
At the end of today I had a brief "welcome back to work interview" with the Wing Manager (who is as sound a bloke as you could wish to meet) but it didn't go as well as we might have expected.
I am currently on PTMG (Part-Time, Medical Grounds) and have thus far had to elicit two letters of support from my Doctor, but now it transpires that neither of these letters are up to scratch. I refused to go and see him again over such a trivial matter.
I'm sure he's aware that the bottom line is that I don't want to be there, but he's not letting on. Who would want to be there, with the prospect of having to deal with nothing but Crisis Loans for the whole of Scotland over the entire Christmas and New Year period? As nice a bloke as he is, he doesn't have a fucking clue what it's like to sit there on the phones all day. He should get back to the floor.
Three days later my email is still non-functional, which impacts quite sizeably on the job I'm supposed to be doing next week - once we've completed a claim for a Crisis Loan we have to EMAIL it to the relevant Benefit Delivery Office to be actioned. No-one at work seems any too bothered so I'm not going to lose any sleep over it, but it would be nice to send the odd abusive email to my fellow colleagues.
So, Tuesday morning I arrive, and need to get my Smart Card reactivated since it was repossessed a month or so ago, for "Security Reasons". This involved a lot of standing around while one of the techies did things that I didn't need to know about, after which it became instantly apparent that I was unable to access my work email account. As my instructions for the day were to sort through the myriad emails that would have accumulated in my absence, this was going to be a bit of a problem, and I sat quietly for 5 hours doing slightly less than fuck-all. No-one batted an eyelid.
A team member who tends to mother everyone kept trying to drag me into conversations, but all I wanted to do was stare out of the window.
The following 2 days were to be spent in training for the new workload, which is to be handling claims for Crisis Loans. Despite me only being scheduled to work Tuesday and Wednesday, I volunteered myself to attend Thursday's Training session so as to be synchronised with the rest of the wing when we "go live" next week. I wish I hadn't. Having undergone two days of quite intensive training I'm:
a) none the wiser
b) very tired and stressed
and
c) dreading going to work much more than I was before.
At the end of today I had a brief "welcome back to work interview" with the Wing Manager (who is as sound a bloke as you could wish to meet) but it didn't go as well as we might have expected.
I am currently on PTMG (Part-Time, Medical Grounds) and have thus far had to elicit two letters of support from my Doctor, but now it transpires that neither of these letters are up to scratch. I refused to go and see him again over such a trivial matter.
I'm sure he's aware that the bottom line is that I don't want to be there, but he's not letting on. Who would want to be there, with the prospect of having to deal with nothing but Crisis Loans for the whole of Scotland over the entire Christmas and New Year period? As nice a bloke as he is, he doesn't have a fucking clue what it's like to sit there on the phones all day. He should get back to the floor.
Three days later my email is still non-functional, which impacts quite sizeably on the job I'm supposed to be doing next week - once we've completed a claim for a Crisis Loan we have to EMAIL it to the relevant Benefit Delivery Office to be actioned. No-one at work seems any too bothered so I'm not going to lose any sleep over it, but it would be nice to send the odd abusive email to my fellow colleagues.
Monday 12 November 2007
SCAR TISSUE...
...is an issue.
Without going into all the gory details, my body now comprises a great deal of scar tissue - far more than I ever thought I'd have. I have a small, almost invisible scar on my forehead, above my right eye, where I had a cyst removed (while awake!) which is unnoticeable most of the time, but when I rub my forehead, it sends a tingling sensation (not entirely unpleasant) along my scalp towards the crown.
Just below my left eye is a scar I received as a young child which has two conflicting stories behind it, both of which I seem to have recollections of. My Dad told me that my birth mother (who left when I was but 2 or 3 years old) had dropped me off her knee whilst changing my nappy and my face had collided with the corner of the hearth. To say that I can remember this is an understatement, when I think of it I can see where she would have been sitting.
The other version (in a letter from my birth mother as I approached my 20th birthday) states that whilst in the care of her other son Robert (of whom I have no clear recollection) I was hit in the face with a swing. I can envision this happening, quite clearly, but the park in which I see it happening did not exist at that time. I've always had a healthy respect for swings, and go into a panic if I see any of my kids going near one while it's moving, so either story is possible, but there's no real way of checking now. While I was growing up the scar was a well-defined crescent which was impossible to conceal, but now it's just been absorbed into the general cragginess of my grizzled face.
My left hand has a fair few scars from when I had a spectacular incident while out in Yorkshire with the Orpheus Caving Club. We had been drinking in The Three Horseshoes in Ingleton, and were sharing a couple of caravans down under the viaduct. As we left the pub, I had 2 bottles of Newcastle Brown in each hand to take back to the caravan, only in going from bright lights to pitch blackness caused me to miss a flight of steps completely. My foot went into a waste bin and I hurtled forwards, landing face down. My left hand ended up among the two smashed bottles, my right hand instinctively held the other two bottles in the air.
I was bleeding quite profusely, so emergency medical treatment was sought, and after a few frantic phonecalls from the pub (while I bled and puked all over their floor) we were instructed to drive to the surgery at High Bentham, which we somehow managed, and we waited for an eternity in the carpark. Eventually a very bad tempered doctor turned up, annoyed because he'd driven all the way out to the pub. By this time things were beginning to heal over, and getting bits of glass out was slow and painful, and a few bits got left in.
to be continued...
Without going into all the gory details, my body now comprises a great deal of scar tissue - far more than I ever thought I'd have. I have a small, almost invisible scar on my forehead, above my right eye, where I had a cyst removed (while awake!) which is unnoticeable most of the time, but when I rub my forehead, it sends a tingling sensation (not entirely unpleasant) along my scalp towards the crown.
Just below my left eye is a scar I received as a young child which has two conflicting stories behind it, both of which I seem to have recollections of. My Dad told me that my birth mother (who left when I was but 2 or 3 years old) had dropped me off her knee whilst changing my nappy and my face had collided with the corner of the hearth. To say that I can remember this is an understatement, when I think of it I can see where she would have been sitting.
The other version (in a letter from my birth mother as I approached my 20th birthday) states that whilst in the care of her other son Robert (of whom I have no clear recollection) I was hit in the face with a swing. I can envision this happening, quite clearly, but the park in which I see it happening did not exist at that time. I've always had a healthy respect for swings, and go into a panic if I see any of my kids going near one while it's moving, so either story is possible, but there's no real way of checking now. While I was growing up the scar was a well-defined crescent which was impossible to conceal, but now it's just been absorbed into the general cragginess of my grizzled face.
My left hand has a fair few scars from when I had a spectacular incident while out in Yorkshire with the Orpheus Caving Club. We had been drinking in The Three Horseshoes in Ingleton, and were sharing a couple of caravans down under the viaduct. As we left the pub, I had 2 bottles of Newcastle Brown in each hand to take back to the caravan, only in going from bright lights to pitch blackness caused me to miss a flight of steps completely. My foot went into a waste bin and I hurtled forwards, landing face down. My left hand ended up among the two smashed bottles, my right hand instinctively held the other two bottles in the air.
I was bleeding quite profusely, so emergency medical treatment was sought, and after a few frantic phonecalls from the pub (while I bled and puked all over their floor) we were instructed to drive to the surgery at High Bentham, which we somehow managed, and we waited for an eternity in the carpark. Eventually a very bad tempered doctor turned up, annoyed because he'd driven all the way out to the pub. By this time things were beginning to heal over, and getting bits of glass out was slow and painful, and a few bits got left in.
to be continued...
MONDAY BLUES
Yes. Everybody gets the Monday Blues, we're led to believe.
I have to start work again tomorrow after a layoff of almost 9 months (3 seasons - it does have a pleasing symmetry to it) which I'm not looking forward to at all. The Department, predictably, are being hopelessly pedantic about the whole thing. I was asked to get supporting medical evidence for going back to work part time, and my doctor is writing a letter of support, but that is not enough. They've asked me (with 3 days notice) to talk to my doctor about my proposed hours and get a written agreement from him, which I'm trying to do over the phone to save wasting valuable time. Whilst waiting for a callback I've taken two calls for my wife relating to the voluntary work she does, which annoys me as she has a mobile phone, and knows my memory isn't what it could or should be.
I have, over the past few days, rearranged the computer, so it is now hooked up to the main television in the living room and to the hifi. I had converted many CDs to MP3 to create a virtual jukebox, but noticed that on my MP3 player the volume was very varied, so decided to re-import them into Media Player and normalise the sounds. Clearing out the list in media player has deleted all the MP3s from my files. Fuck, Fuck, Fuck. (and before you say there's no need to swear, there is. This is actually the best reason I've found for swearing since my bike threw me over the handlebars on my way home from work on one of the few days that I wasn't wearing my mitts. I felt sorry for the woman in the car who stopped to offer assistance - her ears were assailed by the most inventive torrent of expletives I've ever put together.)
So, today, instead of making the most of my "last day of freedom" (till they sack me) I'm sat here ripping tracks. Arse.
I have to start work again tomorrow after a layoff of almost 9 months (3 seasons - it does have a pleasing symmetry to it) which I'm not looking forward to at all. The Department, predictably, are being hopelessly pedantic about the whole thing. I was asked to get supporting medical evidence for going back to work part time, and my doctor is writing a letter of support, but that is not enough. They've asked me (with 3 days notice) to talk to my doctor about my proposed hours and get a written agreement from him, which I'm trying to do over the phone to save wasting valuable time. Whilst waiting for a callback I've taken two calls for my wife relating to the voluntary work she does, which annoys me as she has a mobile phone, and knows my memory isn't what it could or should be.
I have, over the past few days, rearranged the computer, so it is now hooked up to the main television in the living room and to the hifi. I had converted many CDs to MP3 to create a virtual jukebox, but noticed that on my MP3 player the volume was very varied, so decided to re-import them into Media Player and normalise the sounds. Clearing out the list in media player has deleted all the MP3s from my files. Fuck, Fuck, Fuck. (and before you say there's no need to swear, there is. This is actually the best reason I've found for swearing since my bike threw me over the handlebars on my way home from work on one of the few days that I wasn't wearing my mitts. I felt sorry for the woman in the car who stopped to offer assistance - her ears were assailed by the most inventive torrent of expletives I've ever put together.)
So, today, instead of making the most of my "last day of freedom" (till they sack me) I'm sat here ripping tracks. Arse.
Thursday 8 November 2007
THURSDAY NIGHT
It's now 23:00 and I could really do with having a bath and getting to bed, but I need to get this down before it evaporates. The rain this afternoon did not last long, and it was quite clear by the time I needed to set off for Tenby. Riding felt good, and I opted for the better but more arduous route over The Ridgeway. I did stop for a breather halfway, but made the ascent from Lamphey without too much agony, and the rest of the ride was a breeze as I had the wind behind me.
The meditation class was excellent (only Ann and myself there) and I came out of there with no thoughts of getting the train. We covered a lot of ground, which included "singing bowls" which were superb.
Coming back it was cold, but a clear night with lots of stars. My new bikelight was excellent, illuminating my way admirably, and causing oncoming motorists to dip their headlights well in advance (well, most of them).
I was most pleased to have achieved the ascent from Penally in one go - it's a real killer of a climb, and I think that's the first time I've attempted it.
Journey time was about an hour in each direction, and the distance is around 12 miles, so I'm happy with that for now. Muscles are aching, but there are no ominous twinges from the new scars, which is encouraging.
See? I told you Thursdays are the best days! (forgot to buy Cycling Weekly, so that's a bonus for tomorrow).
The meditation class was excellent (only Ann and myself there) and I came out of there with no thoughts of getting the train. We covered a lot of ground, which included "singing bowls" which were superb.
Coming back it was cold, but a clear night with lots of stars. My new bikelight was excellent, illuminating my way admirably, and causing oncoming motorists to dip their headlights well in advance (well, most of them).
I was most pleased to have achieved the ascent from Penally in one go - it's a real killer of a climb, and I think that's the first time I've attempted it.
Journey time was about an hour in each direction, and the distance is around 12 miles, so I'm happy with that for now. Muscles are aching, but there are no ominous twinges from the new scars, which is encouraging.
See? I told you Thursdays are the best days! (forgot to buy Cycling Weekly, so that's a bonus for tomorrow).
THURSDAYS
Thursdays are definitely my favourite day of the week. It's all downhill from here. More than half of the week is over and the only thing standing between me and the weekend is Friday, not that I'm wishing my time away - it looks like I'll be going back to work next week, and these few days left are precious indeed. Cycling Weekly appears on a Thursday, and as of now I have a meditation class to attend in Tenby every Thursday evening, and I relish the challenge of cycling there and back, even in this autumnal weather. It's not raining today but it is generally overcast and dull, and it looks quite windy, but I have yet to venture out into it. If i tire myself out on the way there, there is a train at 19:45 I can catch, but I'd rather not as it's generally populated with drunken teenagers whose only joy in life seems to be to piss me off, so it's best avoided, as is any form of public transport in these parts.
I'm thinking about hosting a writers' workshop sometime soon, and am gathering ideas for it - my general premise is that writing is improved by reducing the amount of thought that goes into it, so it will consist of some exercises in spontaneous writing with strict time limits, and I'm trying at the moment to frame an activity in which the writer has to stop following a "normal" train of thought - maybe something like you write a sentence, and then all the papers get passed on to the next person, and so on until the circle is complete, to demonstrate how something can create itself and you don't necessarily need to exercise control to achieve something.
edit:
14:00 Shortly after I posted this, literally within a matter of minutes, it started raining - with a VENGEANCE! I'm now in a dilemma as to whether to make the journey or not - I'm not bothered about getting wet, but there's no point going to a meditation class if I'm going to be wet and uncomfortable, as it will just be a distraction.
I'm thinking about hosting a writers' workshop sometime soon, and am gathering ideas for it - my general premise is that writing is improved by reducing the amount of thought that goes into it, so it will consist of some exercises in spontaneous writing with strict time limits, and I'm trying at the moment to frame an activity in which the writer has to stop following a "normal" train of thought - maybe something like you write a sentence, and then all the papers get passed on to the next person, and so on until the circle is complete, to demonstrate how something can create itself and you don't necessarily need to exercise control to achieve something.
edit:
14:00 Shortly after I posted this, literally within a matter of minutes, it started raining - with a VENGEANCE! I'm now in a dilemma as to whether to make the journey or not - I'm not bothered about getting wet, but there's no point going to a meditation class if I'm going to be wet and uncomfortable, as it will just be a distraction.
Tuesday 6 November 2007
12 WEEK CYCLES
These have been cropping up quite a bit recently; when I stopped smoking in March, I elected to use Champix, which is a 12 week course of medication designed to break the habit (it worked very well for me).
After my bilateral hernia operation in August I was discussing my cycling prospects with my GP - he told me he had been to a seminar on post operative muscle regeneration, and the concensus was that for the muscles to regain full tensile strength they should be rested for 12 weeks.
I have started attending meditation classes, and last week were discussing the benefits of chanting and mantras, in particular the "ah" which signifies beginnings - it is thought that if you wish something to begin in your life, you sing or chant the mantra twice daily for, you guessed it, 12 weeks, while visualising what it is you want (I'm currently working on losing weight and getting fitter, so I'm visualising scales) then the chanting will help it come to fruition.
Surely no coincidence then that 12 weeks is roughly a quarter of a year, and therefore a season? Doubtless I've picked the wrong season (winter) to be trying to shed some pounds, but I shall persist and we shall see. Having given up smoking I feel I can achieve anything. (well almost)
edit:
My wife has a course for unlocking creativity called "Finding Water" - I believe this is also a 12 week course. I knew there was something else as I was writing this last night but could not recall what it was, then woke up thinking about it this morning, as is usually the way.
edit 2:
the 12 step plan for alcoholics and drug addicts is another example.
After my bilateral hernia operation in August I was discussing my cycling prospects with my GP - he told me he had been to a seminar on post operative muscle regeneration, and the concensus was that for the muscles to regain full tensile strength they should be rested for 12 weeks.
I have started attending meditation classes, and last week were discussing the benefits of chanting and mantras, in particular the "ah" which signifies beginnings - it is thought that if you wish something to begin in your life, you sing or chant the mantra twice daily for, you guessed it, 12 weeks, while visualising what it is you want (I'm currently working on losing weight and getting fitter, so I'm visualising scales) then the chanting will help it come to fruition.
Surely no coincidence then that 12 weeks is roughly a quarter of a year, and therefore a season? Doubtless I've picked the wrong season (winter) to be trying to shed some pounds, but I shall persist and we shall see. Having given up smoking I feel I can achieve anything. (well almost)
edit:
My wife has a course for unlocking creativity called "Finding Water" - I believe this is also a 12 week course. I knew there was something else as I was writing this last night but could not recall what it was, then woke up thinking about it this morning, as is usually the way.
edit 2:
the 12 step plan for alcoholics and drug addicts is another example.
Monday 5 November 2007
BONFIRE NIGHT BLUES
This year, November 5th falls on a Monday, which means that some people have their bonfire on Saturday, some on Sunday, and some on Monday. Oh Joy. I have to constantly remind myself that here in West Wales it's not as bad as in Leicester, where Diwali and Bonfire Night combine into a mass firework bombardment that seems to last through the whole of October and November. I was traumatised by having bangers thrown at me as a child, and many other things have conspired to traumatise me since, but no amount of Cognitive Therapy can stop the sheer terror brought on by the various flashes bangs and screeches of "domestic" fireworks. How something so potentially lethal and dangerous can be described as domestic is beyond me. Surely there are laws as to how far away from houses you need to be? This legislation has existed for a long time with regard to air rifles, so why not fireworks?
Fortunately, our children were not clamouring to go to a display, and don't know what they're missing, but it is now disturbing their sleep.
I'd like to see a complete ban on the sale of so-called "domestic" fireworks, though I doubt I will.
LOST SOUL
I'm starting this blog in an attempt to diarise some aspects of my life in the hope of understanding them better. My life has changed quite dramatically, quite a few times in the past 15 years. Back then I was a Nightclub/Restaurant/Venue Manager (and loving it), a performance poet touring regularly and running my own club (and loving it) with a couple of books and recordings to my name. I was single, drifting through a series of wrong relationships. Now, I'm happily married with 4 young children, working as a Civil Servant (and hating every minute of it), I've just resigned as Chairperson of a Poetry Club because I just don't want to do it anymore, and I'm not sure where I'm going. I don't write very much (or very well) anymore, though I keep telling myself I'll go back to it when circumstances change (the "when I reach the border" syndrome) but I'm not so sure. The only creative outlet I currently enjoy is photography. My 2 bicycles are my primary mode of transport (a mountain bike and a road bike), and I enjoy cycling - it gives me an excuse to get some solitary time, which hardly exists at home. I have kept an informal blog for the last year or so at moblog.co.uk and have found it very useful in many ways, so I'm thinking something more "in depth" might prove equally useful.
I am recovering from recent surgery, struggling with depression and a complete lack of motivation. I have to return to a job I hate after an absence of 8 months. I need to lose some weight and get fit again. I need to shake off this depression. This is where it all starts. "Change my way of thinkin'... make myself a different set of rules"
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