STORMY THURSDAY

I tried to cycle to Haverfordwest this morning, but the rain was ever imminent, the wind was howling, and the temperature was low, so I gave up before I'd even left the dock.
Hoping to make the journey tomorrow.
Don't know what to do now.

WHY WEDNESDAY?

Because it's the middle of the week, that's why. But why is the famous Pembrokeshire Promise "I'll have it done by Wednesday"? Who can fathom the ways of the Welsh, eh?
It was hard getting to sleep last night - tried without amitriptylene, but ended up taking 50mg round midnight, and didn't properly wake up until around 11am. Weird film on Film4 about 2 guys going out into the mountains of California - "Old Joy". It seemed to be completely lacking in joy.
It's the Union ACM at our office later today. I've asked to be nominated for a couple of positions - Equality Officer and Lead Rep, as well as Office Rep for which I was already nominated. I have no faith in our lot to run things legally, but we'll see.
My nemesis Mike Kelly has apparently fallen off a ladder and broken his wrist - highly ironic that he is our H&S Rep. I don't feel any sympathy for him whatsoever, but neither do I feel any joy - my first thought was that it was highly convenient that he has to go off sick just when my case against him is hotting up.
I've got my nominations in, hopefully, and that's as much thought as I'm prepared to give the subject. Any more would bring on anxiety.
It's sunny outside, so I'm not going to sit around in here all day, though I do need to prepare my cider-vinegar muffins for cooking later before I go out.

WHEN THE SUN REFUSED TO SHINE

I've been out to do the shopping, and in the meantime I have received a reply to one of the many emails I sent out, and it is not a good answer. As soon as I started to think about it, I began to get edgy and panicky, pacing around from room to room, and I have decided that I do not want this feeling anymore. I do not wish to have any part in a Union which seems prepared to do absolutely nothing about bullying, harrassment, racism and general stupidity.
My optimistic mood has plummeted, I am getting shaky, and I need to distract myself from this as soon as possible. And the sun is hiding behind the clouds.

MONDAY MONDAY

I am feeling pretty good today. Woke around 9 but lounged around in bed for a while. As soon as I got up the first thing on my mind was the Work/Union situation, and I fired off a couple of related texts and emails, but frankly nobody else seems to care about it, so why should I? I'm seriously thinking about handing in my notice at work, though I would prefer to be sacked, as it would make me financially better off.
There was an email awaiting me from Paul Smith at Pembrokeshire Council asking about Saturday's ride which cheered me up immensely, and I'll make a point of travelling over to Haverfordwest to meet up with him during the week.
Physically, I have a bit of pain at the right side of my pelvis, which seems to be a common occurrence after any exertion, maybe I'll just have to work through it,, or learn to live with it, but it's annoying and depressing that after a curative operation I find myself in more pain than previously.
It's hard to tell if the change of antidepressant is affecting my mood, or if I'm doing it myself. Probably a bit of both. Exercise certainly plays a large part in it.

WEEKEND GOODNESS

Saturday, 26th January - would have been my Dad's 92nd birthday, had he not died at the age of 56... this year also my inaugural ride as Sustrans Liaison Ranger for Pembrokeshire, and now officially Carmarthenshire. I did entertain thoughts of making an excuse and not attending, but it was a weak and temporary thought, and didn't last long. Friday night was full of house music from next door - they did try to keep it within an acceptable level, and I did manage to fall asleep while it was still going on (about 1.30am), so no complaint this time, which means there's a good chance it will happen again, doubtlessly a little louder next time.
Saturday morning I was up around 7am, getting ready to start the ride to Narberth with a couple of Rangers at 8.30 prompt. I struggled greatly with any incline, but level ground was OK, though by the time we reached Narberth (20 miles in 90 minutes) I was pretty worn out, and had almost convinced myself that I would sit out the ride to Amroth and back, though after a coffee in town, and a restful half-hour at the venue chatting with fellow rangers, I was ready to roll again. The beauty of the Ranger rides is the complete spectrum of abilities, and everyone is mindful of everyone else, so I was happy enough to loiter at the back and walk the hills. I managed to get a lift back - I knew by the time we had reached the venue again that I had reached my limit, and no amount of resting would enable me to ride back home. I had planned on getting the train, but the offer of a lift was thankfully forthcoming.
We had a positive and constructive meeting, and I made some new acquaintances, also consolidating some old ones.
Upon getting home I was exhausted, but in bed I was restless and uncomfortable and slept fitfully, having chosen to not take any medication.
Today I feel fully rested, and no aches and pains of note, so my intention now is to get back to some gentle working out at the gymn again, and to cancel the referral to the surgeon.
Medicinally I am currently up to 10mg Cipralex, and 50mg Amitriptylene, which I didn't take last night, so I shall take one tonight.
I am still taking merbentyl, which is another suspect in the memory tests, so once I am off Amitriptylene I will consider either changing that or doing without.
Omeprazole is really the only one I would not consider changing, as it does such an excellent job of controlling stomach acid.

MORE COMPLAINING

Why is this happening? It's a question I've avoided until now, but things are getting desperate. Four people in my office are conspiring against me - I have been focussing on the ringleader, or rather who I thought the ringleader might be, but I may have to look further than this. I've put in yet another official complaint to management, and I've tried to make union officials listen, but again there's a complete and utter wall of apathy from the union.

FRIDAY BIKEY STUFF

It is Friday. Wife has the day off to take the twins to see the opthalmologist at Carmarthen Hospital. I would have taken them, but I need to get everything ready for a day of riding tomorrow, for it is the day of the Sustrans Ranger Meeting in Narberth. I have agreed to ride there with Jon from Pembroke, which means we are setting out around 8.30am, hoping to get there at 10.30. I may be being optimistic, but what the hell.
There will also be a 20 mile ride when we get there, so I think that will be enough exercise for one day, and will probably return by train.
I'm hoping all the hassles I've had getting this thing organised are worthwhile. My soul needs an invigorating massage.

THURSDAY AGAIN

I went up to work today, in order that myself and a fellow rep could sort our our mutual nominations for the elections at the forthcoming AGM, only to find the nomination sheet had been removed from the Union Noticeboard. I have made high union officials aware of this, and lodged a second complaint with management. It not only amazes as to how this arsehole thinks he can pull stunts like this and get away with it, but also that he does actually seem to be getting away with it.
Nobody seems to really care what he gets up to.

THAT THURSDAY FEELING

I'm now looking forward to Saturday - there are still a couple of things which need to be organised, but it's now a plan that is coming together. I was glad to receive a call from another ranger last night arranging for us to cycle to the venue in Narberth together, which is much better than arriving alone, I think. Also had a visit from a work colleague last night concerning some union stuff, which was useful, and good to see someone outside the family.
I'm also feeling better generally, which could be down to the new antidepressant Cipralex - I have reduced my Amitriptylene dosage by half and doubled the Cipralex, so we'll see how that goes for a while.
It's Thursday, which is Cycling Weekly day, always a good one.
The visit from my work colleague forced me to think about work last night, and I really cannot imagine ever getting back to the stage where I actually enjoyed the job. Too much has happened.
Tonight my wife has to work extra hours, which is very inconvenient, but I suppose it must be tolerated, though what would she do if I was at work and therefore unable to collect the children from school?

AT PEACE WITH THE NIGHT

Right now, and I know it won't last long, I feel at peace with everything around me. I feel on top of my problems and burdens, and that I can afford to relax for a few moments.
Yesterday there was a memorial "jam" session in Leicester for my good friend James Gamble who passed away last summer. I never did intend to be there, but it was nice that his sister and PJ both got in touch with me on the day, so even from so far away, I felt a part of it. I said my goodbyes at the funeral, where I was roped in as pall bearer, which was an honour, and something which I never thought I would experience.
The house is silent, and I wish it could be like this, even just for a few minutes, during the day. The problem is they are small houses crammed too close together with no sound insulation whatsoever - I can hear my neighbour walking upstairs, which he seems to do with remarkable frequency. The problems we have had with the bassplayer have made me dread hearing a sound from there house lest it be starting up again, but I know I have the support of the Council and the Police in this matter.
Tomorrow I need to be up early, to see if younger daughter needs to go to the doctor, and also to book myself an appointment, in order to discuss changes in my medication, as advised by the doctor at the memory clinic. I may just ask for the next appointment with the regular GP I see and trust.
I shall now go to bed and attempt to concentrate on The Northern Lights (Philip Pullman) from where I left off, which was on the train back from Yorkshire.

PROGESS ON THE CASE

This morning I was interviewed by HR Investigation team. My union Rep Ian came to the house around 8.30 and we had a chat about it before going up to the office around 9am.
The interview was taped, and I have the feeling it went well. As we came out Mike Kelly and Sian Thomas were lurking in the corridor, which struck me as far too much of a coincidence to actually be one - I think Mike now knows what is afoot and is attempting to find out how far things have gone. I feel physically sick to be near the bloke.
However, the thing to now is distract myself from it and await the outcome.

THE WEEKEND ENDS HERE

A busy time these past few days - yesterday I was due to meet author Rob Penn off the train in Haverfordwest and have a short cycle ride with him, then go to the Memory Clinic appointmet at 2pm.
I got up around 9 to fairly dismal weather - cold and rainy, and considered getting the bus and forgetting the ride, but an optimistic text from Rob spurred me on and I managed to force myself to cycle. By the time I set off the sky had cleared slightly and looked promising, though crossing the Cleddau Bridge was a white-knuckle affair with a strong crosswind howling through the railings.
Made it to the station in good time and met up with Rob and Gary, who is a ranger I'd not met previously from the North of the county, and rode along with them for half an hour or so along the Celtic Trail, before turning back for my appointment.
The Memory Clinic was nothing like I expected.
I was asked to describe my problems in my own words and didn't do very well, really.
I was then given a physical examination which included testing reflexes, listening to back and chest, and testing my eyes. The conclusion was that I do not have dementia or Alzheimers, but the doctor is also taking blood samples and arranging for a brain scan.
His conclusion was that my forgetfulness is probably a combination of my current stress and depression, and a side-effect of my medication, which seems logical to me.
I'm loathe to mess around with medication which works, as it's taken so long to find the right balance, but I could do with a clearer mind than the one I have.
I missed out on a heavy downpour while I was at the hospital, and the weather remained dry for my homeward journey, where I encountered Gary once more on his way back to North Pembrokeshire. I called in at Mike's Bikes in Haverfordwest before setting off, to buy some Sealskinz waterproof socks (for £25) and to give him my contact details as Liaison Ranger.
Coming back I was very tired and the journey was a struggle, but I made it, and don't seem to have too many aches and pains today, which is encouraging. I will have a few more rides of varying intensity and see how I go, them I may resume my sessions at the gym, which were curtailed by my doctor warning me off strenuous exercise and referring me back to my surgeon, which has a waiting list of six months. I do not want to wait that long before exercising as I'll be clinically obese by then.

IS IT FRIDAY ALREADY?

I was so convinced that yesterday was Wednesday that it feels like I've leapt forward a day, or lost one somewhere. When you're working, that feeling is a bonus; when your time is your own, you wonder where the time has gone.
I'm nervous about the Memory Clinic appointment on Monday, and I'm glad to be able to meet a fellow writer and cyclist beforehand (Rob Penn, writing a book on the Celtic Trail and riding various sections thereof), as it will give me something else on which to focus.
I'm also apprehensive about the meeting on Tuesday with the Investigation team at work. I'm not really nervous about the actual meeting - my nervousness is that the investigation won't go anywhere - it really does rely on Mike Kelly being the twat he is and saying the wrong thing at the wrong time, which he is eminently capable of doing, though I will not underestimate his sliminess and craftiness.
I slept for a very long time last night - I went to bed around 7pm, fell asleep about 8, and didn't get up till around 9:30 this morning. I did wake up around midnight, but not for long.
Tomorrow I will have a day devoted to family things - perhaps instigate some baking of biscuits so they can use their new pastry cutters.
Sunday will be a day of church and rest.
Then, let the battles commence, at least that's what it feels like from here.

WEDNESDAY

I recall at the Moblog Meeting on Saturday that we had a lighthearted discussion on days of the week, which were the best and worst and why, and Wednesday came out pretty badly. I'm generally in favour of Wednesdays; they are the point on which the whole week pivots - in a working week, it's all downhill from Wednesday lunchtime onwards. They are a vital part of the Pembrokeshire Promise ("I'll have it done by Wednesday" but which Wednesday is never specified), and today, I've just checked on the calendar, is actually Thursday. This happens far too often to be funny, and it's things like this have led me to get my memory checked out. I'm aware at work that I've been putting the wrong date on claims because of this, only by the time I realise, it's too late to go and change it.
Council contractors are painting our new doors today - I can hear their radios and chatter, and the odd thud and thump coming from somewhere. I suppose it makes a change from kids screaming at each other or the incessant yapping of Yorkshire Terriers.

LOOKING BACK

It would seem this blog is much older than I thought it was. I think this is because nothing much is happening in the way of "progress" - the incident at work and ensuing complaint have taken over and eclipsed everything else, and rather than find new ways of living, which was the original intention, I have become mired in union and work procedure and red tape.
I am very resentful about this. This is all shit I don't need, and the fact that other people have kind of leaped on my bandwagon since I made the complaint just compounds this feeling. It should feel positive that because of my lead other people feel strong enough to speak out - but I'm afraid I do not trust the motives of at least one individual in this, and that taints any satisfaction I might derive from that thought.

OFF AGAIN

After a visit to my GP yesterday I have a sicknote for one month, and I feel relieved, even though this may result in me getting the sack. The thought of cycling up that hill in the earlymorning just to four hours of answering soul-destroying calls from scottishpeople wanting crisis loans is just too much to bear at the moment. I want to hang on in there to see this complaint through to its bitter end, now it has come this far. After the meeting in Leeds I was all for leaving PCS and joining another union, but as this would be leaving the other reps to fight the battle on their own I wouldn't feel too good about this, and have decided to see it through.
Now I don't have the pressure of work for the next month I feel a bit better, and I am starting the new course of antidepressants today.
I have enjoyed blogging my photos from Leeds and savouring some of the thoughts and memories from those few days. I have also been enjoying my three new CDs; it is a long time since music has grabbed me the way these have, and it's nice that I have more than one CD to play to death.
Sustrans work has been frustrating, but I think we are reaching an understanding at last, and I am looking forward to the meeting on 26th January. There is also the chance to meet Rob Penn next Monday - he is writing a book about The Celtic Trail, and riding sections of it. I'm hoping to ride from Haverfordwest to Tenby with him, if I can rearrange the appointment at the Memory Clinic.

WHICH WAY TO TURN

The Leeds trip has been done; the Union Mandarins are well aware of our little problem, but I feel like I have sacrificed myself in the process, or something like that. I feel completely let down by a union who advises us to oppose our bully at every turn, to make sure none of the BEC positions go unchallenged. That's all very well, but that leaves two of us, neither of whom are particularly well-known or popular within our vast office, to challenge three positions amid voters to whom the term apathetic would be a compliment. The fact that I am currently not a Union Rep, having been denied that by the bully, means that I will only be supported in a kind of proxy way - Rob and Sonia will receive the full support which they can then pass on to me should they so wish. I think I'm fucking disgusted, and am currently considering leaving the union altogether.

The rest of the trip was rather wonderful - just wandering round Leeds and admiring my favourite city was quite enough on its own, but getting to meet some fellow bloggers for the first time was the icing on the cake. I have made some firm friends there.
I found it difficult, being away from the family, those sudden moments when you think "shit, if something happens there is around 400 miles of distance between us" are not nice. I also found that I was constantly on the move when alone - not particularly scared or agitated by anything, just a feeling that I had to keep moving, and I thought after the Friday that I might have overdone it a bit, but all was well after a few beers and a night's sleep.

The journey back was arduous. The train went all the way from Manchester to Pembroke Dock, which was good in that I could go to sleep with no fear of overshooting my stop, but it also meant 81/2 hours of uninterrupted travelling, with no refreshment trolley after we had crossed the England/Wales border ("they don't put them on on a Sunday, see?")
I did fall asleep, though only for a couple of 20 minute intervals - there were just too many stops for it to be in any way relaxing - about 25 stops in total, so it was a fairly regular stop-start regime. We did miss out Swansea, which I was happy about, as it meant that the lunatics who normally join the train there had had to get an earlier train, but we made up for it at Llanelli, when a couple of exceedingly drunk arseholes got on, and had to be coaxed off again at Burry Port, which took a good half hour. I felt relieved when we were on our way again, but as soon as we had left Carmarthen my serenity was dealt a further blow, with a guard announcing that anyone heading for stations beyond Whitland had to go to the back of the train as it was to be split in 2, so we remaining passengers were herded and corralled into a single carriage, where the floor was awash with beer and piss and the covers had been removed from the lights leaving stark bare fluorescence. Very Restful,as you can doubtless imagine. Fellow passengers ahd given up all pretence of being human by now, as they always do once past Swansea and away from prying eyes. Grown women were standing up on chairs to talk to others, the bloke behind me stretched his legs out across the aisle and and laid flat out with his feet on the opposite seats, jolting the back of my seat every time he fucking well moved, which was fairly often. There was a poster by the door extolling us all to "Be Considerate to Fellow Passengers and Keep The Noise Down When Travelling".
I coccooned myself within my MP3player and did my level best to ignore everything, and eventually got home around 10pm with no incidents to report.
I couldn't be bothered with work today, nor could I be bothered making up an excuse, so I waited for them to phone me, and told them I had an appointment with a nurse from the memory clinic (which was true) which I must have forgotten to tell them about, and was certain they'd assume I was taking the piss, but all seemed to go OK. I'm thinking of taking a further few weeks off, but if I do that the chances are I won't be going back, either being pushed or jumping makes little difference.
I've noticed during the writing of this that I've dwelled on the negative and skirted around the positive. I'll make an effort to be more positive soon.

TAKING THE DAY OFF

Insomnia/bad sleep pattern is the curse of the moment, and I knew last night that I wouldn't be making it in to work today - I didn't even bother to think up an excuse, but blamed it on my abdomen, and went to the doctor anyway, who gave me coedine and paracetamol, referred me back to the surgeon and warned me off strenuous exercise, though I think I shall continue at the gym, if only for my own sanity. I don't feel particularly motivated, but I do feel better afterwards, despite the pain.
Today feels cold, though maybe due to my tiredness I'm just feeling it more - I think I shall take many layers with me to Leeds tomorrow.

JOIN THE MOVEMENT

Becoming a Volunteer Ranger for Sustrans was one of the best moves I have ever made. Being ill last year put me at a bit of a disadvantage, and although I had expressed an interest in taking on the role of Liaison Ranger, purely because nobody else seemed interested, I wasn't sure whether I might be taking on too much. However, I got sort of swept along on a tide of enthusiasm where everyone just sort of assumed that I'd be doing it, and here I am. Today I have had my first face-to-face meeting with Paul Smith, the "Horseriding, Walking and Cycling Officer" for Pembrokeshire County Council (snappy title - lucky bugger). He's full of energy and enthusiasm and we chatted easily for a couple of hours. He's definitely a man with whom I can work. Next step is a meeting with ourselves and Roanna. It's a bit annoying that these people are getting paid for what I'm doing voluntarily, but maybe this is a step in the right direction for me, career-wise.
I could not stand being at work this morning, and eventually left about a half hour early (with permission of course). The time drags, the phone lines are constant, and there's no change in tone the whole time, an endless stream of scottish hard luck stories which all begin to merge into one: "mah benefits were all paid intae the bank this morning and went straight back out to pay the phone bill" "What? BT just took £120 out of your account without asking you?" "Aye" "Do you have a copy of the phone bill?" "Nah" and so on and so on until you become blurred by disbelief, which is not a situation I like to find myself in. This is not the job I signed up for.
On top of the doom and gloom of the workaday routine there's the complaints. I'm getting more and more stressed by the whole damned affair, more and more annoyed that others are happily riding along on the crest of the wave that I alone created, so it's best to not think about it till I have to. I think I've already decided that I won't be going to work tomorrow.

BACK TO WHATEVER WE CALL NORMAL...

I suppose this is the final weekend before "everything is back to normal" and the majority of routine-laden people heave a collective sigh of relief and welcome back their humdrum monotony.
In our domain it is anything but normal. Wife starts a new job at the local school on Monday, while I continue with my despised job, still on part-time hours. On Thursday I travel to Leeds to meet with the Union bigwigs. I've managed to turn it into a long weekend with a little help from sis-in-law and a few mobloggers who want to meet up in Leeds on the Saturday, which has helped take my mind off the task in hand.
I've managed to "keep busy" these past 2 days - yesterday I managed to get myself to the gym with a minimum of anxiety, and had quite a strenuous workout, which left me energised for the rest of the day, and on into today, when I got up determined that my bike would get cleaned today if it killed me. Outside was cold and rainy so I scraped most of the mud off and brought the bike into the kitchen for the more intricate work, only when I'd finished, it became apparent that all was not well with the bottom bracket, which was issuing clanks bangs and grinds with every push on the pedals, so I rode it over to Enterprise Bikeshop at Honeyborough, and took along my contact details as Liaison Ranger.
I had to leave the bike there, and after a brief chat I walked back (about 3 miles), regretting not having taken my camera with me. It was quite arduous as I was walking in my cycling shoes, which cause aching shins after a mile or so, and when I got back there were a few ominous pains in my abdomen, which didn't feel very therapeutic at all. They are still there, down the left side of my stomach, but only hurt when I apply pressure to the area. The bike will be ready early next week, so I decided to bring my road bike out of hibernation, and managed to forget to take a lock with me down to Tesco, so I made the trip twice, which was a bit more unexpected exercise. I was worried that I might need to raise the handlebars to ride comfortably, but I was actually more comfortable than I had expected to be, which is encouraging, as I much prefer my road bike for lengthier journeys, such as Tenby and back for the meditation sessions.
Having had quite a hectic day I decided it was time to get back into the breadmaking I have neglected over the Christmas holidays. I have some new local flour and some new recipe books, and am currently trying a new recipe for "Bara Can" (Sunday White Bread) from a booklet of welsh recipes. It is cooking now and smells divine.

THE DAY AFTER

The day after New Year's Day. My little brother's birthday, often overlooked because of its proximity to the big festivals. It's difficult to know what to do for the best as he is in mid-separation at the moment, refusing to give us an alternative address, only contactable by text.
I've decided he's getting an address book with all the family addresses in, so he can stop asking me every few months.
In among all the festive days we have had recently there are a couple of frighteningly deep depressions. New Year's Eve was the most notable, when I retired to bed before 9pm, but didn't get to sleep till after 4am. There was a fair amount of noise from next-but-ones' "party" - I use quotations because it didn't sound like they were particularly enjoying themselves, but then, it never does. They always sound angry. The father had been forced into doing the rounds during the day to let us all know that they'd be providing a noisy evening, and that, if we wanted to, we were welcome to "have a look" at their midnight firework display. At least this year they don't seem to have given their kids wildly inappropriate presents such as mini motorbikes, as they did a couple of years ago.
The day after Boxing Day I had to call the police to sort out my bassplaying neighbour on the other side, an unwelcome resurgence of an age old problem. On Christmas Eve, Christmas Day and Boxing Day he decided he would play his bass in the living room rather than the well-soundproofed room his Dad has made for him in their shed, no doubt to let us all hear his (lack of) virtuosity. I complained each time, and each time but the last it was turned down. The last time, he was home alone, and very resentful of my intrusion into his stoned little world, refusing to turn it down, so I warned him that if he continued I'd report it, which I did. Having had a three year long battle to get some peace from this little shit, this was a most unwelcome return to form, but it seems the heavy-handed approach has done the trick, as I've heard nothing since. I haven't seen his dad around at all, and am wondering if he's in jail or been murdered (no joke).
Also, after work on Monday I intended going to the gym, which turned out to be closed. I really need to get stuck into a harsh fitness regime, and the longer I leave it the harder it gets (ooer missus!)