Friday Morning Blues

I phoned work at 5.30am to tell them I wouldn't be in today. I thought it was 6.30, and was wondering why the guy in Security was sounding so sleepy and surprised, bless him.

I haven't had enough sleep. Not just last night, but all week. That's what Post Traumatic Stress does. It robs you of things like sleep, of confidence, of faith.

Interestingly, we visited a church last week where the pastor spoke (at bum-numbing length) on faith, and how we keep it when we're "blindsided" by something (his word) which threatens to knock us off our perch. Before this I'd seen my faith as quite strong.

I'm tired. I'm not thinking rationally.

I had a meeting at work earlier this week about these problems, but nothing is as yet resolved.
I told them that some days, I just dread coming to work.
They nodded.
I explained that, having to cycle 12 miles with a heart full of dread was massively different to a 15 minute car ride with the radio on.
They looked nonplussed.

How can someone who has never cycled to work have the slightest clue what I'm on about?

I've gone on at length in previous posts about what a joy and a privilege it is to have that hour first thing in the morning when it's just me and the bike, but just now, I'm finding it impossible to even get on my bike to start the journey.

As far from happy as it gets...

I have gone from quite substantially content to dismally unhappy in the space of a week.

Something I don't want to go into has caused a MASSIVE resurgence of Post Traumatic Stress, and I am finding it very difficult to cope, mentally, emotionally, and physically.

It's work-related, so it's not something I can avoid or dodge around without serious rearrangement of my affairs.

In short, it's something I HAVE to face up to, whether I want to or not.

And I just don't know how to, or if I can. 

an audio podcast test post...

weary_blues.m4a Listen on Posterous

This is a podcast I've literally just recorded.

It's something I've been meaning to try out for a long time but for one reason or another I just haven't got round to it.

Then today, my facebook friend and haiku writer John Tiong Chunghoo posted a haiku he had written for the great poet Langston Hughes, which reminded me that I used to perform this poem as part of my live set.

I don't think a recording of it exists anywhere, and if it does, it won't be very good, or at least I won't be happy with it.

I recorded it straight into my macbook. No messing around with levels and gain and impedance and all the jiggery pokery of the previous recordings I've done, no flickering needles or green and red LEDs, no cueing up tapes and demanding silence in the room, just one quick take and the job's done. I was just sitting on my bed with the macbook in front of me, using the tiny built-in microphone.

I even managed to listen back to it without shouting at myself (something I just don't do normally, but I had to make sure you could hear it).

My first thought was to post it on youtube, but it isn't video. I hastily gathered some images of first-generation bluesmen such as Lightnin' Hopkins, Howlin' Wolf etc and messed around with imovie to make it acceptable for youtube, then I remembered that some of my electronically musical friends use soundcloud to share their work, and posted it there. I then discovered that I can post it here too!

My deep and sincere thanks to John for prompting this, it could be the beginning of a whole new chapter for me.

A long week.

Last week was the first week of Cycle Safety. I've done a couple of bike checks, but last week was the first school, and a trial to see if my rather tight schedule allowed enough room and time for the children to learn the things they needed to.

Monday and Friday as usual were taken up with my work as Mechanic at Bluestone, and there were unexpected problems here which added to my workload.

On Tuesday morning the bridge of my specs broke, for around the 4th time. Fortunately my optician is just up the road from where I was working, and I was able to get them repaired quite quickly. My spare is a pair that Specsavers got completely wrong - I can just about see through them for distance, but any reading or writing is out of the question.

That did add a few extra miles onto my commute though, and meant that I didn't get the rest I was looking forward to on Wednesday morning. My total mileage for the week (Monday to Friday) was 136 miles, much of it quite heavily laden with the equipment I need for Cycle Safety - 2 full panniers and a rucksack. Every day of work, either at Bluestone or at school, I was on my feet the entire time.

I have to say that my ride to and from Bluestone on Friday was hard. In previous posts I have crowed about how easy it can be. Not so this day. My bike felt like the brakes were rubbing on the rims, like the chain had become one solid lump, like the frame had been filled with lead. The backs of my knees hurt with every ounce of extra pressure. Every way I went was uphill. My breathing was all wrong, and my lungs felt as though they had been sealed off from the rest of me, lined with clingfilm, so that although they were still gasping air, none of it was getting through to my bloodstream. My nose was constantly clogged with snot and my eyes streaming with tears from the wind, which was constantly in my face.

Thursday at the school, when I handed out certificates, received a thankyou card and an excellent feedback form, was just a heaven-sent day from beginning to end, capped off when a young girl who had recently moved from busy Essex to sleepy Pembrokeshire, came and told me that I had "removed her fear of roads".
Friday was the day from hell, in many ways.

On the way home on Friday, an hour later than usual, I really didn't think that I was going to make it. The prevailing wind in Pembrokeshire is a sou'wester, which shapes the trees, and it was strong, and in my face the whole way. The last 5 miles from Carew to Pembroke Dock is not pleasant at the best of times, pounding along the trunk road amid heavy fast moving traffic, but with the wind in your face and the sun in your eyes (better than rain I suppose) it can be hellish. I really felt like stopping at the Carew Inn and texting a friend to come and pick me up while I enjoyed a leisurely pint, but the chances were my friend's car wouldn't be available, and I'd have to restart the horrible journey after a pint and a rest. Maybe I should have.

I'd love to be able to tell you that despite all this I still cycled home with a song in my heart and a prayer on my lips, but I didn't. To make matters worse, my ipod wasn't charged up in the morning. I couldn't shut the world out. I cursed every car which sped past me, sometimes silently sometimes loudly, particularly those which blared horns. I cursed every hill I climbed, and there are many.

Sometimes, there's just no easy way.

 

Day Off!

Today is my last day off in what looks like a long time! (By "day off", I mean a weekday when my children are at school, and I have no work to do, paid or otherwise). Tomorrow, I do my first cycle safety checks of the season at Monkton and Hook schools, and then next week Cycle Safety Training begins. For a couple of months it will mean I'm working Mondays and Fridays at Bluestone, and Tuesday to Thursday I will be in various schools around Pembrokeshire teaching years 5 and 6 how to cycle safely on our roads. The furthest school is Fenton School in Haverfordwest, a 12 mile commute along the lovely Brunel Cycle trail, so almost completely traffic free. It will mean that for 3 solid weeks I will be cycling over 25 miles per day, 5 days a week, which totals, er, 375 miles. Niiice. Of course, most of the time spent between commutes is spent on my feet, shouting at children. Hopefully no children will be harmed or lost during these exercises.

I will map my progress on my GPS and post regular updates on how far (and how high!) I've cycled.